Men: Can’t live with them, certainly can’t live without them. Even when you and your friends rendezvous on a Thursday night and b***h about all the jerks you gave the time of day, I bet you noticed a particular pattern. These specific men often lack intricate, multi-faceted personalities that fade and reappear like clockwork. Instead of ignoring and ranting about these stereotypes, let’s celebrate them.
1. The Jock
He doesn’t have to be a college athlete to have the ego of one. This guy not only worships the iron temple (which most refer to as the gym), he spends his waking moments keeping up with every sports game on TV. This meathead smolders at himself in the mirror asking, “Babe, do you see how these gains are paying off?” or my favorite, “Aren’t you lucky to be dating such a yoked guy?”
Good thing he’s so “yoked” because his personality sure as hell won’t keep you warm at night. “The relationship started going downhill once I realized he was more turned on by his own reflection than by watching me do squats in leggings,” a senior at University of Florida* said. We all have our weaknesses, and some women can’t help themselves to a nice piece of ripped meat, but eventually you’ll grow sick of fitness references to his “special little jock” in bed.
2. The Frat Star
Talk about having your fill of the college experience. There’s no better way to completely immerse yourself into college life than getting involved with someone who dedicated it to mind, body and soul. At first, his fast-paced social life and intoxicating charm will consume your weekdays and nights. The never-ending craziness will catch up to you in hangovers, you’ll find yourself wondering why you’ve been sick for three months straight and can’t find half of your underwear.
“I soon came to realize that my man didn’t only love me, but literally all women. Not to mention their blatant disregard for whether they will have little frat stars running around,” a senior at UF said. “When you lie about only skipping contraception with me because I’m ‘special,’ make sure I don’t catch you extending the same favor to every other girl you know.”
3. The Sensitive Guy
At long last you found the guy who cares so deeply about your needs and feelings. For once you can break out all the chick flicks and sob stories that every other guy so painfully rejected. He loves to cuddle at night and his absolute favorite thing is spending time with you—yes, you—and none of his very small number of friends take priority over that.
The sensitive guy writes poetry, keeps to himself and wants to tell you every emotion that arises in his mind. After being fed vanilla for too long, you become too sensitive towards the sensitivity. “He was caring and sweet and told me exactly how he was feeling,” a senior at UF* said. “Two years later (today) perfect isn’t the word to describe it…[His] strong emotions toward me sometimes get in the way of me going out to socialize while he is sitting at home wondering what I am doing.”
4. The Smart Ass
Why waste your time with business majors when you can land a pre-law or pre-med student? This guy’s drive to obtain a highly esteemed profession combined with his ambition left you hot and heavy for quite some time. He takes his coffee black and with a side of the freshly printed Wall Street Journal. Maybe he listens to NPR and sprinkles delightfully little “Did you know” fun facts into conversation.
“The smart ass reminds me of a lawyer I used to be involved with,” a senior at UF* said. “When we were together, everything I said seemed to be juvenile to him.” After a while, the teacher-student dynamic grows old. Some of us can only feel so stupid for so long until we decide to close the book on the pretentious chapter of our love lives.
5. The One that Got Away
You admired this guy from afar since freshman year. He’s got a heart of gold which makes him well-liked by all of his friends, not to mention ambitious, handsome and athletic. Eventually you got the guts to somewhat befriend him, or at least occasionally study for exams together. You watch girls enter and leave his life and he never fails to let you know every excruciating detail.
Even though you’re convinced he’s noticed you’re #obsessed with him, his senior year you take a leap of faith only to meet rejection. He either just got out of a relationship and it’s too soon, you’re too good of friends or he’s leaving after graduation. But don’t worry, he’ll express how any guy would be so lucky to have you—except maybe him.
*Names withheld to protect privacy.