5 New Year’s Resolutions We’re All Sick of Hearing

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It’s over. We must say goodbye to caroling and hello to midnight champagne showers. While we all shop with our gift cards, the thought of a New Year’s Resolution will soon take over our heads. Resolutions should boost your motivation, but usually fall flatter than Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars. So, let’s try to switch things up this year. Avoid these five basic New Year’s Resolutions in 2016.

1. Study more often

What were your final grades before break? Fantastic? Barely grasped a C? Regardless of the answer, I’m sure this resolution climbs high up on the college-student-resolution scale. We all know that most of us wander over to the Facebook browser, as opposed to the database browser we’re supposed to use while we cram. We’re all sick of this overly obvious resolution. Every college student should study more often; check your pre-college mental notes.

2. Be a better person

mean-girls-18

Need to ditch a bad temper or a resting bitch face? Want to help an old lady cross the street to become this “better person?” Switch these from a resolution to a constant work in progress. If you’re in your twenties and you now want to fix that resting bitch face or help an old lady grab her can of peas, that RBF might end up permanent. If this res still makes your list and you help someone out of the kindness of your heart, don’t tell everyone on Facebook for praise and likes.

3. Care more about part-time retail job

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Ahhh, gotta’ love folding the same shirt into the same square 500 times a day. Out of a need for food and shelter, we’ve resorted to a shitty part-time retail job. If you make this your serious resolution, you’re only kidding yourself. There’s no way you’ll actually follow through with this. After the first week of keeping that smile on your face and actually caring, someone will insult your store and intelligence. The minimum wage slowly creeping into your bank account doesn’t compensate for the BS. For most of us, we’ll stop in a week or two. Pick a different resolution that won’t sacrifice your sanity.

4. Workout more

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“My New Year’s Resolution is to work out more,” said everyone, all the time, ever. After declaring this your resolution, your grocery list changes from Oreos and Chips to frozen chicken and Slim Fast. While making this list, you remember the dozens of Christmas cookies building a sugary foundation in your stomach. I’m guilty of this predictable resolution most years. How about we change it to, “inhale my food at a slower rate” or, “lower my sugar intake?” I’m positive that after the ball drops, you won’t instantly grab a gym membership and ride a stationary bike every day.

5. Find bae

Facebook displays everyone’s resolutions for all to see. Most proclaim a desire for relationships or single mingling time. No, the thought of you wanting to be single after an extremely public, on-and-off relationship never crossed my mind. The sad single sharing pictures from “The Notebook” with captions about “Where’s my Noah?” everyday wouldn’t make me think she wanted a boyfriend. Let’s stop worrying about our relationship statuses and worry about not being hungover at work for once. We’re all still young; let’s move on.

I dare you to step away from the usual and think about something you won’t give up on by February. You’re in control of your actions and resolutions, so this year, go kill it. Just declare your resolution after all of the New Year’s Eve alcoholic drinks leave your system. Or, don’t. Keep it real from the first minute of 2016.

 

Amy is a senior at East Stroudsburg University studying Magazine Journalism. She’s an editor on The Stroud Courier, a frequent concert-goer, constant writer and a professional car singer.

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