It’s roast season, Terps! I know, I know, we all love UMD. Or, as President Loh would say, we all love our “flagship institution.” As the end of the semester draws near, some people just want to get their frustrations out before finals come. Like any university, Maryland isn’t perfect. But these students are about to point out just how imperfect it can be.
1. umd-secure fails to live up to its name
I kid you not, as I’m writing this my Wi-Fi is nowhere to be found. It hasn’t been on all day. Unfortunately I can’t call this a new happenstance—it’s a facet of everyday life at UMD. Reminds me of a certain Kendrick Lamar song:
Pour up (No Wi-Fi), head shot (No Wi-Fi)
Sit down (No WiFi), stand up (No Wi-Fi)
Pass out (No Wi-Fi), wake up (No Wi-Fi)
Faded (No Wi-Fi), faded (Still No Wi-Fi)
Okay, it didn’t go exactly like that. But you get the gist. Sophomore Juliana DeVair* said, “umd-secure could be my boyfriend considering how many times it’s f—ked me.” If Buzzfeed had a Top 10 Worst University Wi-Fi list, umd-secure wouldn’t make it because students wouldn’t be able access the website.
2. DOTS destroys lives
Hands down the Department of Transportation Services receives the most hate from students. First, you have the buses. Never on time. Always hitting people. Can you imagine their screening process? It’s like they do the background check on driving and only hire people who have hit someone before. And, oh God, don’t forget the tickets. Remember that scene from Mean Girls? Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Regina George DOTS. Parking tickets at UMD progress from terrible to sell-your-liver-to-pay-for-the-ticket awful. Leading the roast of the Devils of Transportation Services are sophomores Patrick Wilford and Raj Topiwala. “They have no mercy whatsoever. They hand out these ridiculously expensive tickets when you’ve been parked for five minutes,” said Wilford. “I’ve racked up too much money in tickets at this point, I can’t afford another,” Topiwala chimed in.
Me too, Raj. Me too.
3. Room Assignments screwed everyone over
Last week really wore on the nerves of many UMD students because the housing system effectively bumped them from better housing assignments to significantly worse assignments. “I’m definitely not an expert, but I’ve heard that a bunch of people were supposed to be in Prince Frederick for the ACES program, and they messed up and didn’t put them in. So they were like ‘oops’ and had to switch everyone around,” said freshman Sydney Hancock. Some people (re: most people) got the short end of the stick and received suckier assignments. Student Jessica Bowman* explained how ResLife’s room selection faked her out. “Don’t you love that feeling when you get bumped from a single to a flex triple? I legitimately hate ResLife for this.” Stay strong, terps. We’ll get through this.
4. The building maintenance staff acts like moody high school students
Surprise! You have no hot water today. Residents of UMD know all about the annoyingly aggressive emails that seem to appear on a daily basis. One day you have no water, the next your elevator stops functioning for 3 months (looking at you, CUMB South). Definitely a little ridiculous at this point. “They say they’re working on things, but my elevator has been out for the entirety of the spring semester. I live on the 6th floor, that isn’t fun!” said freshman Alyssa Winters. Each email from ResLife ends with, “We apologize for the inconvenience this may cause.” Are you? Are you really? Doubt it.
5. The campus’ structure best serves aliens, giraffes or Olympic athletes
Let’s start with the stairs. Humans can’t handle the stairs because they’re either too close together or too far apart. Only a giraffe could function normally on those stairs. Another issue: Stamp hill, the notorious slab of earth that makes sure you’re covered in a thick, dripping layer of sweat by the time you get to class. “Sometimes I take the elevator in Stamp just to avoid walking up Stamp hill. It takes way longer, but Stamp hill is just plain awful. It actually feels like a workout,” junior Gina Bradshaw said. At UMD, every day is leg day.
6. Next years’ dining plan may kill us all
I will starve next semester. (Not even a complaint, just a fact). UMD came up with this brilliant new dining plan that will be implemented next semester. They were trying to keep students from running out of dining points. So what do they do? They just do away with points entirely. What else are they doing away with? Freaking carryout, AKA my only source of sustenance. “It’s really stupid,” sophomore Julia Dolinish said. “It’s like they’re trying to force a sense of community, but that’s not something you can make happen. It happens on its own.” She’s right. If I want to grab eight pieces of garlic bread and take them back to my room to watch Netflix, I should be able to.
7. No mater where you are on campus, it’s under construction
“Ah, I love the sound of construction in the morning,” said no one, ever. I can’t remember the last time I woke up without hearing some form of drilling, hammering, shouting or beeping. One thing you never hear about “the university of tomorrow” is that it’s always under construction today. Also, remember how long it takes to get to your classes? God forbid the class your building is in is under construction, because then you’re screwed. Have fun running up the stairs, late for class, and getting drenched in sweat because the front door is blocked by, you guessed it, construction.
8. UMD PD always head in an unk dir, chasing criminals
No, we can’t blame the crime rate at Maryland on the police department. But we can find fault in their lack of consideration; they inform the public of crimes hours or even days after the fact. The student body’s favorite message from UMDPD? “Suspects were headed in an unk dir,” meaning an unknown direction. This quickly became a campus-wide meme, because UMD PD never knows where suspects go. Sophomore Steven Goldman added, “It’s funny because the alert texts will say, ‘Suspects headed in an unk-dir off campus, giving the all clear,’ but I live off campus. I don’t feel safe! Why are you giving an all clear?” That’s UMD police department, always looking out for our students.
9. The four-year plan will give you a nervous breakdown
You can find the process of picking a major, meeting with an advisor (sometimes you have 3 advisors) and scheduling classes at any college across the nation. Why is UMD’s any different? According to freshman Kelsey Stewart, it’s all about those LEPs. “Limited Enrollment Programs make it ridiculously hard to get into any major. You can only take one class over. Any more than that, you have to change your whole major! Why?” That’s a question students ask themselves every day.
10. It takes forever to get to all your classes
160 years ago, some brilliant architects set up UMD’s campus in such a way that all your classes take place in the heart of campus, and you can only find dorms on the fringes of UMD. Sounds typical, right? Wrong. UMD’s obsession with its newfangled Big Ten sports means that about four huge athletic fields tack on at least seven minutes to your walk because you have to detour around the fields. Sophomore Steven Goldman commented, “I hate the fact that I can visibly see where I’m going straight ahead of me, but in between is three fields and two parking lots that I have to walk around.” I can relate, it’s like the fields just sit there. Taunting you.
*Name has been changed to protect privacy.
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