Our Sex and Dating editor, Nicole Martin, put me up the to the task of countering her post on awkward things girls think during sex. In my research, I posed the question to my buddies on Facebook (S/O to the boys of The Feed). I asked, what are some awkward thoughts you’ve had while having sex? Posting the responses would definitely have gotten me in trouble with the publisher of this fine website and could have been cause to alert the authorities. Here are a few awkward thoughts guys have while having sex:
“And she said she wasn’t that kind of girl…”
If you’re thinking this while banging out a broad, this is definitely one of those “having the last laugh” moments. Rewind to earlier in the evening, a couple drinks deep, confidence is up and your game is on point. You probably had this girl eating out of the palm of your hand. She was buying everything you were selling and coming back for more.
As the evening progresses, it becomes obvious that you’re going to get this girl to the bedroom. When you finally do hop into bed, start making out and exploring new territories, sometimes you’ll get the “I’m not that kind of girl” line from this chick. At this point in the hook up you might be at second base and it seems you’ve got enough steam to head all the way home, but then she tries to tag you out.
Bullshit. You’ve worked way too hard for that to happen.
So after some more grinding and gradual disrobing, she finally realizes she wants it just about as bad as you do. Fast forward back to pound town and you can laugh to yourself, “And she said she wasn’t that kind of girl.”
"You're just going to lie there… like a dead fish?"
Sex, for the most part, is a team effort. We split the work, combine our talents and we come out with a good final product. Like LeBron and Wade, one dishes and the other takes it to the basket. The crowd goes nuts. Everyone is happy. That being said, there’s nothing worse than being in bed with a girl and realizing she’s just going to lie there completely motionless. This sexual position is often called the dead fish. It is easily the most boring and lifeless of all the sexual positions.
Sometimes this happens, but it’s usually between couples. You know the deal, the guy is chomping at the bit and his lady decides to indulge him, so long as she doesn’t have to do any of the heavy lifting. Ah, young love at its finest.
If you’re not in this situation, then pulling a dead fish card is a pretty awkward card to play. Ladies, if this is your go to move, I’d encourage you to pick your enthusiasm or at least watch some porn for learning purposes. Sex is awkward enough without throwing a dead fish into bed.
"Where are the tissues at?"
I’ll preface this by saying safe sex is the best sex. But sometimes, for one reason or another, a condom doesn’t make it into the equation. If you’re going oh naturale, pulling out and cumming on a girl’s stomach, tits, etc. is normally your best option to avoid a Mini-Me. When that tidal wave of pleasure recedes, your breathing has slowed and your mind has come out of its haze, your next thought is probably on the clean-up.
This is an awkward situation in itself, your seed puddled on another human being. It’s actually a pretty funny sight. But, you should be a gentleman and quickly lend a hand. So your eyes shoot around and you think, “where are your tissues?” You might even have to ask your lady friend if they aren’t in eye-shot. Normally women aren’t as adventurous, meaning, she probably won’t volunteer an undershirt for the cause and you’ll probably end up doing a naked jog to the bathroom to retrieve the supplies.
Sex is awkward as shit.