How is it possible that we, the human race, haven’t figured out dating by now? We Millennials seem to have given up entirely, throwing it out the window in order to get freaky with whomever we feel like. It’s only after that gets really old (and trust me, it does) when we start to consider actually dating.
Huh? Madness! Well guess what, dating is actually way better than hooking up. Why? Because instead of spending all your time chasing tail, you get to know a wide range of individuals, see them as much or as little as you like, and let things progress naturally. If it works out you can become exclusive with someone that might actually be worth it. If not, there are plenty of other people out there. Become a dater.
Now for the fact that you don’t know how the hell to date because you’ve spent your college years rolling around a dark dorm room with anyone who will have you. Or perhaps you just got to college and you’ve decided to be an honest man. Here’s how to do it right:
Do: Keep it simple, stupid
First date: dinner and a walk. In the olden days it would have been dinner and a movie, but the most important thing about a first date is having good conversation. You can’t do that in a theater. So plan for a dinner at a nice (but not too nice) restaurant where you can hit it off and then follow it up with ice cream and a walk. Furthermore, be flexible with your post-date plans so that you can include her. If the date goes well, you won’t want to kill the mojo by telling her you’re going to get wasted with your bros.
The exception: if you’re loaded and want to go somewhere swanky, do you. Just make sure it doesn’t have a formal dress code.
Don’t: Make her pay, for Christ’s sake
Even the most strong, independent female that don’t need no man should not have to pay for a date unless she is the one who set it up, which in that case is fine. But if you asked her out, nothing on Earth should keep you from paying. The best kind of girl will offer to pay (ladies, that’s proper date etiquette for you), but you’re next move is to assure her that you’ve got it. And never, ever, ever offer to split the check. If you get a second date, proper etiquette dictates that she will pay. But the first one is on you.
The exception: There isn’t one, sorry.
Do: Take a nice, long look in the mirror
No longer can you depend on alcohol and dim lights to make you attractive to women. Do you know how to shave without getting razor burn? If you said no, this point is for you. You have to be type of guy with Facebook photos that she can impress her friends with. That means you need clothes that actually fit and a face devoid of acne, because puberty was for high school. Plenty of guys with lots of potential walk around looking like ogres, so ask you’re closest lady friend/enlightened gentleman to set you straight.
The exception: If you’re so charismatic that you’re looks don’t matter, and I do know guys like this. Don’t count on it though.
Don’t: Immediately try and hook up
Granted, there are women who don’t mind taking a stroll down lover’s lane on the first date, and there is nothing wrong with that. I do believe that even those women, however, wouldn’t mind postponing things a little. The thought of hooking up should be nowhere near your mind. Waiting is always better because it gives you more time to get to know each other before you start exploring *ahem* those aspects of each other’s lives. Just don’t, for the love of God, hit it and quite it. That’s called hooking up, and you’re trying not to do that, right?
The exception: If it feels right for you and for her, go with the flow. You don’t want her to think you’re not interested.
There you are young dater, go forth and seek out new possibilities with interesting people who are just as excited about getting serious with their lives as you are. Here’s your milk money, and don’t forget that you can always ask one of the older kids where to go if you get lost.
Is Your T.A. Grading Your Papers?
