How to Imperfectly Procrastinate

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You’ve really done it this time. Actually, you haven’t really done it this time. You haven’t done anything at all, really. And therein lies the problem. Because, you, being the productive college student that you aren’t, are supposed to do things; it’s what you pay a small fortune to do, instead of doing the sensible thing and investing all that money in a lower-tier private island. No, seriously. It’s a buyer’s market, after all.

And yet here you are, reading this article instead of doing that thing you’re supposed to be doing. Honestly, you should probably just close this tab now and start making sure that thing gets done… Still here? Well, if you want to continue making bad decisions, then I would advise following in my footsteps and doing the things I did instead of writing this article, because I don’t mess around when it comes to procrastination; I’m a goddamn professional.

I Watched an Excessive Amount of Football

If watching football counts as getting work done, then I get a lot of work done on Sundays. You tell yourself you’ll do your homework with the volume off. Oh wait, no. This is an important drive. Was that Odell Beckham Jr. that just made that catch? He’s on your fantasy team—better pay attention.

I Worked Out

This is a next level form of procrastination, as it is, in essence, procrastination disguised as productivity. Sure, it’s always good to make time for #gainz, but perhaps not with a huge assignment looming over your head.

I Took a Post-Gym Nap

Because, dammit, I deserve it. And the less tired I am, the more focused I’ll be. Science.

I Googled the Etymology of the Word Procrastinate

At this point I was becoming self-aware. Turns out it translates directly from the Latin ‘pro,’ meaning for, and ‘cras,’ meaning tomorrow. I then decided to see how many clicks it would take for me to get from the ‘procrastination’ Wikipedia page to Hitler’s. It took four. What an age we live in.

I Used All My Swipes on Tinder

For those of you who haven’t deigned as low as I have to download the “dating” app known as Tinder, the app lets you swipe right–or like somebody’s profile–only a certain number of times per day. And that number is not low. And I reach that number with startling consistency. And those are all the words I’m going to say about Tinder, because my grandmother is going to read this (Hey Nani).

I Convinced Myself I’d Be Productive After a Couple Games of Super Smash Bros

This is an essential part of the procrastination process: buying into the self-delusion that future-you will be some kind of homework cyborg, cranking out assignments with the efficiency of… something that’s really efficient. I put off finishing that sentence too close to my deadline, but I guess it’s on the Internet forever now. Oh well.

I Played Way More Than a Couple of Games of Super Smash Bros

Some friends stop by the room  and we bust out the GameCube controllers. I’ll play for a game or two and then absolutely crush it at the library, I tell myself. But I just knocked Mario clear off Princess Peach’s Castle with a DK punch and boy, did it feel good. Just a few more games.

I Actually Went to the Library

Look at that. Real, tangible progress. I’m now in the place where studying happens, as evidenced by the rows and rows of  books the student body barely bothers to touch provided by your world-class university library. Because, you know, the Internet. Speaking of…

I Spent Too Much Time Browsing Reddit

There’s more to Reddit these days than funny cat videos, though admittedly a solid 95% of it is just as useless. First I delude myself into thinking that browsing a news subreddit is somewhat productive or will somehow enrich me a person, but then I inevitably slip deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole of blue links and dank memes.

I Actually Opened up Microsoft Word

My procrastination has reached critical mass; at this point I have to write this damn article or risk my editor telling me I’ll never write an article in this town again.

I Sent this Article to my Editor Sixteen Minutes Late


Brian is a junior at Boston College double-majoring in English and Communications, and is currently wondering why he's writing a description of himself in the third person.

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