For Bros, We’re All In The League

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Almost every college house that has ever hosted a party will end said party with a mystery box. In this box, the party residue is endless. Watches, phones and drivers licenses, sure, but you’ll also find the occasional children’s book, a vintage Stephon Marbury Timberwolves jersey or a “And To Top It All Off” hat signed by Man vs. Food superstar Adam Richman. Very fetch.

It’s almost certain that all of these items will never be claimed. Personally, I’d go as far as to join the company of the Men’s Warehouse guy, Jim Fassel and Broadway Joe on that. The unclaimed content of the mystery box is through and through a tragedy – because for every shitty title put on Netflix instant streaming, there is in fact an American Streetballers

Also on Netflix? The League. If you don’t watch it, you’ve definitely heard of it, and its ability to be dependently awesome through and through. What The League really represents though – as all avid watchers would know – actually has little to with fantasy football. Rather, it crafts hilarious, yet often, somewhat true idiosyncrasies of male friend groups. It embodies the idea of sitting around in an apartment for six hours, having nothing better to do but to rip on each other. Hence, what every single group of collegiate bros does on a daily basis. So, fellow male in college who sits around all day hanging out with other males in college–what character in the league are you?

Pete Eckhart: Being Pete isn’t necessarily a glorious position, as he is the perpetual silver medalist. His fantasy football prowess might be unmatched, yet he is not the commish. He is an excellent douche bag, yet he is nowhere near Ruxin. He’s a slacker at times, but arguably the craftiest slacker of them all; Pete is that guy who would rather spend seven hours figuring out how to cheat on a test than spend two hours actually learning the material.

Yet, somehow, someway, we get the sense that Pete might just be the bro group’s protagonist. His mission, while on the surface looks to be always winning the Shiva, might just be something greater. We may not know what it is exactly, but Pete might just be the only character on the show who has managed to move through the world on his terms. Pete is thus your friend in college who may not look like he has it all figured out … but maybe he actually does.

Kevin MacArthur: Stephen Rannazzisi is from half of this sports section’s hometown, which is obviously the most important information you’ll hear all day. But while the league commissioner has the title and credentials of a go-to-guy, I’d never pass to him in the clutch. Although Kevin is likely the most goodhearted and benevolent person in the group, it’s clear that he has some sort of demons he hasn’t gotten over – at times his paranoia and insecurity are just unbearable.

Kevin is that guy who you draft first in pickup basketball game because he looks huge and could probably dunk on everybody, only to spend the entire game shooting 3s. Kevins of the world; you have size, so use it better.

Taco: Taco is your friend who you think would’ve camped out for Occupy Wall Street in the fall, but somehow didn’t know what Occupy was. Yet despite all that, he still went to Occupy, but under the impression that it was an outdoor costume party, at which he managed to snag the hottest girl.

Ruxin: Ruxin is your friend who will go into a high-paying banking job, act like a total dick to everyone and anyone, and then go home to a Rachel McAdams marathon courtesy of his girlfriend’s idea of a date night. It’s really a mystery as to why he doesn’t just dump her, but for some reason, the real-life equivalent of Stu’s girlfriend from The Hangover has just got his number.

The rest of the friend group feels bad for him … a little bit … but then suddenly has no remorse when he reminds everyone that there’s nothing really stopping him from buying up the whole bar right now and that his girlfriend is hotter than every single person in the room. Yet, at the end of the day, we can’t help but respect the man. Sure he talks a lot of shit, but he’s always got the goods to back it up.

Andre: Pete and Kevin chalk up Andre’s role perfectly, describing him as the “honeydew in a fruit salad … nobody really likes the honeydew, but the fruit salad can’t happen without it.”

While Andre bears the brunt of the majority of the show’s mockery, you get a sense that he actually kind of revels in it. It’s a given that he’s not exactly socially aware, but at the same time he seems to be an ardent student of the Lady Gaga School of Wearing Clothes For The Sole Purpose Of Having People Tweet Angrily About Them. At some point, you’ve got to wonder if his outrageous hats, glasses and T-shirts are not as much a fashion statement as they are a permission slip to be made fun of. It’s a strange way of being validated, but it’s clear that Andre knows his role and simultaneously rebels against it while further fulfilling it. Way to maintain homeostasis, bro. 

Senior > Georgetown

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