People with normal brains can’t process this blog. You know why? Because I’m a winner, DUH! Also I drink a pint of tiger blood before I begin to write. Don’t mess with a warlock like me, because I’ve got poetry at my fingertips. The tragic hot mess that is Charlie Sheen has taken over the headlines for over a week now, and it’s like he can’t stop saying crazy things. I laugh just like everybody else whenever he comes up with something even more outrageous than before, but I’m starting to think this whole thing isn’t so funny anymore. The man is clearly having some kind of psychotic breakdown, and he recently admitted that he desperately needs some kind of help. The fact that we’re all sitting back and laughing at what looks to be a health crisis says something kind of ugly about us. And I’ve been one of those people, don’t get me wrong. But from now on, I’m making a conscious effort to be a better person, and I hope everybody else will too.
On a lighter yet stranger note, Ke$ha recently announced that she’ll be distributing custom-made condoms at her concerts. You know when you get that uncontrollable desire to do it when you’re jamming to Ke$ha? Totally. So next time you’re at her concert, do your best to catch one of her condoms–it’ll have her face on the wrapper and say “Cannibal” on it. Not only will it be a great souvenir from that time you went to a Ke$ha concert, but it’s also practical in your most intimate of moments. Awesome. Except I’m still trying to decide how I’d react if a guy whipped out a Ke$ha condom when we got hot and heavy. It could go one of two ways:
1. I would either be really excited, like “Sweet! Her music is so catchy, right? I love how she featured James Van Der Beek in her music video for Blow!”
2. I would get freaked out and distracted: “So when did you go to a Ke$ha concert, and why didn’t you invite me? And what does this mean, exactly? Do I remind you of her because you think I’m dirty or trashy?! You know what, I wish I was about to have sex with James Van Der Beek…”
Either way, it would probably get weird really quickly.
Finally, somebody at Nickelodeon must have finally heard my prayers to the television gods: this fall, TeenNick will be airing some awesome 90s shows like All That, Kenan and Kel, The Amanda Show, Clarissa Explains it All, Rugrats, and Pete & Pete. They’ll be on late, between 12 a.m. and 2 a.m., which probably works well for college kids, anyway. I’m so excited!Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?!
Image sources: www.tmz.com, www.ew.com
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