• Menu
  • Skip to right header navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to secondary navigation
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

College Magazine

College Life, Dating, Career & Campus Advice

  • Colleges
    • College Guides
    • College Rankings
    • Campus Life
      • Academics
      • Dating
      • Freshman Year
      • Health
      • Social Change
      • Party
  • Majors
    • All Majors
    • Most Popular Majors
    • Choosing a Major
  • Intern
    • Internship Directory
    • How to Get an Internship
    • How to Write a Resume
    • How to Write a Cover Letter
    • How to Interview
    • How to Network
    • Career 101
    • Find Your Passion Career
  • Money
    • How to Make Money
    • How to Save Money
    • How to Get a Job
    • Credit Cards 101
    • FAFSA
    • Ramen Project
  • Travel
    • Study Abroad
    • College Spring Break
    • How to Travel Cheap
    • Things to Do
  • Shop
    • Writer Course
    • College Magazine Shop
    • Gift Guides
    • College Packing List
  • Find your college or university
  • Colleges
    • College Guides
    • College Rankings
    • Campus Life
      • Academics
      • Dating
      • Freshman Year
      • Health
      • Social Change
      • Party
  • Majors
    • All Majors
    • Most Popular Majors
    • Choosing a Major
  • Intern
    • Internship Directory
    • How to Get an Internship
    • How to Write a Resume
    • How to Write a Cover Letter
    • How to Interview
    • How to Network
    • Career 101
    • Find Your Passion Career
  • Money
    • How to Make Money
    • How to Save Money
    • How to Get a Job
    • Credit Cards 101
    • FAFSA
    • Ramen Project
  • Travel
    • Study Abroad
    • College Spring Break
    • How to Travel Cheap
    • Things to Do
  • Shop
    • Writer Course
    • College Magazine Shop
    • Gift Guides
    • College Packing List
  • Find your college or university
  • About Us
  • Team
  • Write
  • Apply
  • Privacy Policy
  • Sign Up
  • Advertise
  • My Account
  • Cart

You are here: Home / Life / LGBTQ+ / Am I Gay Enough to Be Bi?

Am I Gay Enough to Be Bi?

November 19, 2018 //  by Shelby Scott Fintak

Shares53FacebookTweet

Okay, so technically I’ve never been with a girl. Unless that one drunken toothy tongue fight outside the Jimmy John’s counts. But I’d like to think it doesn’t (yikes). I’m pretty sure I’m bi—I like women. I mean, I remember hiding in my literal closet as a kid ripping open my mom’s JET magazines to see the beauty of the week, every week; a glistening woman, usually someplace tropical, who never wore anything more than a bikini.

I would just sit there under all my clothes and stare at her body. That’s pretty gay.

From what I understand, mostly from standup comedians and comments from fun-loving middle-aged women in sitcoms, college is the time for experimenting. Maybe you make out with your sorority sister in the bathroom at a frat party and discover that everything tastes the same in the dark. Maybe you try boofing MDMA at a concert and experience both nirvana and what it’s like to ride in the back of an ambulance. But, by the time those comedians and middle-aged women graduate, they’ve got it all out of their system. It was fun while it lasted, but now they only reference it to remind people they used to get ‘wild and crazy’ back in the day.

And there’s one of my biggest setbacks. Will it all just be a phase? I’m not trying to blame my lack of female action on some existential crisis alone because the real reason is much more rooted in middle school trauma. But I have to admit, I’m scared to explore this part of myself for fear it’ll only be something I thought I wanted, which would be super lame of me. I don’t want to be a poser.

In seventh grade, I had a girlfriend for a week. She held my hand in the lunch line and smiled when she touched my face and complemented me. I was a nervous wreck. I couldn’t look away from the ground when we were together because I knew everyone was looking. The girls in my dance class found out and called me Shell Bi pretty consistently for a month and then again at random intervals throughout the year when it came to their mind. As a result, I found it easier to ignore this part of myself.

A few weeks ago, my best friend told me about her new girlfriend. This is her first relationship with a girl, so she’s been telling me what it’s like. “I never realized how much internalized homophobia I have. We don’t show a lot of PDA yet but one time I kissed her goodbye on the subway and it shocked us both.” And then it all started to make sense.

When I think of being with a girl its easy for me to say “yeah, I’m attracted to women, but I could never be in a relationship with one because they’re too complicated.”

As if my last boyfriend wasn’t a drug addict with anger issues. As if the majority of guys I’ve hooked up with since weren’t too emotionally unavailable to even pretend to have basic human empathy or communication skills. It’s okay for girls to want to f—k each other, we watch that all the time. But for them to want to date each other? I don’t know.

I have no hard feelings against the f—k boys of yesteryear because, as it turns out, I’m a f—k girl too. I’ve ghosted girls I was interested in because our connection started to feel real. One time a girl came to Tallahassee—not just for me, thankfully—but I left her on read the second she arrived. I changed my mind about a girl I’d loved since high school in the middle of a conversation because she doubled texted me. The only time I’ve ever felt truly comfortable with female sexual attention was last month. The girl giving me bedroom eyes, pulling at my clothes and touching me wasn’t even gay, only drunk. Once, my friends told me they thought I was faking bi, sparking said crisis.

When I think of how I’ve held myself back in this way because of what it would look like to other people, I feel like a scared little girl, running to hide in the bathroom because she spilled chocolate milk all over her crotch. It makes me feel so small. I’m glad, at least, to be aware of my internalized homophobia, because now when I watch Doja Cat’s ‘Go to Town’ music video I can decode my discomfort for what it really is: sexual attraction to a woman. Those two SJW-esque buzzwords reworked some neural pathways in my brain or something. I really feel like it’s okay to be whoever the f—k I am. Starting now.

Now, please enjoy my celebrity crush gallery, a collection of hot people that remind me that I definitely like both:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BoXzOYlnvuo/

https://www.instagram.com/p/BpTUNJgHjZ5/

https://www.instagram.com/p/BouF8BpgtuQ/

View this post on Instagram

chaotic good

A post shared by ..:::..::..::jazZELLe::.::..:. (@uglyworldwide) on Oct 19, 2018 at 2:41pm PDT

View this post on Instagram

grammy weekend diary, for @ssense. shot & styled by @byseanbrown + @keavanx. #ssense

A post shared by Daniel Caesar (@danielcaesar) on Feb 6, 2018 at 7:51am PST

https://www.instagram.com/p/BnWmLZan34k/

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bj-Tf9pFlfP/

View this post on Instagram

PRADA BOI ‘18

A post shared by PRETTY FLACKO (@asaprocky) on Sep 7, 2018 at 8:42am PDT

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bk531iFHIp6/

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bejv6Wolkca/

View this post on Instagram

@wmag

A post shared by Evan Peters (@evanpeters) on Jul 23, 2018 at 9:32am PDT

View this post on Instagram

In Paris n I’m jet leged

A post shared by M҉L҉M҉A҉ (@melovemealot) on Sep 25, 2018 at 10:28am PDT

https://www.instagram.com/p/BiscihqAzIK/

View this post on Instagram

Bat(shit) Girl

A post shared by Katya Zamolodchikova (@katya_zamo) on Sep 15, 2018 at 1:31pm PDT

 

Shares53FacebookTweet

Filed Under: LGBTQ+

About Shelby Scott Fintak

Meet Shelby Scott Fintak, 22. Falafel enthusiast. Appreciates a good slime or simile. Late but on the way. Definitely sitting at her desk right now.

You May Also Like

LGBTQ+ Activists

Fight for Our Rights: 10 LGBTQ+ Activists to Be Proud to Know

Queer Authors

PRIDE, No Prejudice: 10 Queer Authors to Add to Your TBR

Breaking the Binary: My Journey into Identifying as Non-Binary

Top 10 LGBTQ+ Resources at Penn State University

Being a Queer Student Has Been Hard, But Not for the Reason You Think

commons.wikimedia.org

Top 10 LGBTQ+ Friendly Colleges for 2020

Finding Safe Spaces: Top LGBTQ+ Resources at UF

pixabay.com

Rediscovering the Roots of Pride

Pride

Top 10 Ways to Celebrate Pride During a Pandemic

coming out pride month

Not That You Asked, But Here’s 7 Celebrities I’d Gladly Come Out To

killing eve lgbtq+

Top 25 Most Influential LGBTQ+ Characters to Celebrate This June

Pride Makeup

15 Pride Makeup Looks to Flex This June

lgbtq+ movies on netlfix

20 Best LGBTQ+ Movies on Netflix to Binge During Pride Month

12 Pride Looks to Have Your Friends Screaming “WERK”

Coming out

Rediscovering Your Identity: Coming Out is Not a One-Time Event

group photo of my sorority after the last day of recruitment my freshman year.

How My Sorority Taught Me to be Proud

My Freshman College Orientation Changed My Life

LGBTQ+

Don’t Give Up on Your Lesbian Dreams

pride

Fluid Sexuality: An Intimate Look at the Kinsey Scale

lgbtq resources on campus

Top 10 LGBTQ Resources at the University of Wisconsin-Madison

The Beauty in a Painful History

sex positivity

There’s No Right Way to Be Bisexual

coming out in college girls with rainbow flags

Let’s Get One Thing Straight… I’m Not.

LGBT POC

Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, Oh My: What Queer Dating is Like in the Digital Age

Previous Post: «skinny food carnival Am I Skinny Yet?
Next Post: 10 Ways to Feel at Home with Your College Culture »

Primary Sidebar



Trending Posts

94

10 St. John’s University Finals Activities to Help You De-Stress

mental health
78

Pandemic and Academic Blues: Being Aware of Your Mental Health

60

24 Ways My 2020 Survival Guide Turned into 2021 Lifestyle Habits

55

The Ultimate Auburn University Bucket List: 21 Things to Do Before Graduating

best classes
24

10 Best Classes You Need to Take at Drake University

Featured Chapter: St. John’s University

Footer

logo

College Magazine is the national daily guide to campus life. Our articles for college students feature university rankings of U.S. colleges, college guides, academic advice, college prep, career advice, student health and collegiate dating tips.

Written by students for students, by a team of journalists from universities nationwide, we’re on the pulse of the college experience.

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • RSS
  • Twitter

Colleges

  • College Guides
  • College Rankings
  • Campus life
  • Academics
  • Dating
  • Freshmen Year
  • Health
  • Party

Majors

  • All College Majors
  • Most Popular Majors
  • Choosing a Major

Intern

  • Internships Directory
  • How to Write a Resume
  • How to Write a Cover Letter
  • How to Interview
  • How to Get an Internship
  • How to Network

Money

  • How to Make Money
  • How to Save Money
  • How to Get a Job
  • Credit Cards 101
  • College Loans

Travel

  • Study Abroad
  • College Spring Break
  • How to Travel Cheap
  • Things to Do

Shop

  • College Packing List
  • Gift Guides
  • About Us
  • Team
  • Write
  • Apply
  • Privacy Policy
  • Sign Up
  • Advertise
  • My Account
  • Cart

Copyright © 2021 College Magazine · All Rights Reserved · Powered by BizBudding Inc.