To my summer Tinder matches,
Alas, the time has come for me to journey across the country back to the small confines of my study quarters. I probably won’t see any of you as most of you go to school in California. We’ve had countless conversations, seen thousands of pics and even hung out IRL.
Now it’s time to say goodbye. Time to say goodbye to those 2 a.m. conversations about how perfect we are for each other. Time to say goodbye to all the plans we made to hang out. Time to say goodbye to the times we would flirt together while watching Netflix—despite the fact that we were approximately 5-10 miles away. Goodbye to the awkward “Heyyy”s (One of you just hit me with a hey as I am writing this, no joke). To the older women, thank you for admiring my confidence. I made plenty of bets with friends that I could match with a 35+ year old, and you all made me $20. To the girls from high school, whom I didn’t know too well but sort of had a crush on, we just made our relationship 10x more awkward.
Thank you to the girls who bravely shared their numbers and Snapchats. I’m glad you didn’t think I was one of those guys. And to the girls whom I matched with but never responded to my messages, what’s up with that? You obviously swiped right for a reason. Or maybe you had one too many drinks, or maybe one of your friends “stole your phone.”
No, the dog in my photos isn’t mine, it’s an image from Tumblr. Google search “golden lab drinking Corona” and you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Next summer I’m sure I’ll see many of you again, or I’ll hit you up when I need someone to talk to. I’ve never had a bad experience on Tinder—knock on wood—and hope that I can continue to meet more of you. The one thing I will complain about, though—y’all need to think of more original bios. I see, “Not here for hookups,” way too often. I hear you. Tell me, what you are here for instead? And please don’t give me some How I Met Your Mother reference, I’ve gotten the NPH thing more than enough (true story). On the contrary, keep up the selfies with dog ears from the Snapchat filter, you look super cute with that filter—reminds me of Ariana Grande.
It’s time for me to go back to school. Every conversation we had made me who I am today. From the deep philosophical late-night conversations to the, “Hey what’s up?” attempts at conversing, I appreciate every single one of you.
I will stay away from Tinder as much as possible during the school year for several reasons. The first is obvious, I have homework— ain’t nobody got time for Tinder. Two, imagine how awkward it would be if we matched and were in the same class? I mean I wouldn’t mind because #YOLO but I’d like to keep Tinder out of our relationship vocabulary. And finally, its junior year, I’m becoming a man and its time for me to settle down a little bit. I have decided that I am going to put down Tinder and start to work my magic IRL.
Oh, and a final note to the guys that are on Tinder disguised as girls: we know who you are.
Niall Patrick Harris