College: land of hormonal teens who have finally broken free from parental drudgery. In high school, your curfew was 11 p.m. and your mother waited up to sniff you for alcohol and check you for hickeys, but college offers limitless freedom. You can skip bio for yoga on a Monday, crash an all-night rager on a Tuesday night and cozy up to a complete stranger on a Wednesday. But let’s face it. This newfound freedom can often lead us to bad decisions regarding our sextra-curricular activities. Take a look at five rookie sex mistakes you should avoid your freshman year.
1. Committing Dorm Incest
Hooking up with someone from your floor is never a good idea. Every time you have to go to the bathroom or make an emergency visit to the dining hall for some drunchies, you will see him. Murphy’s Law: If it can happen, it will. Even on a campus of 40,000 students, the universe will see to it that you aren’t out of one another’s sight. So don’t take the chance. For starters, rule out watching scary movies with any hot dorm-mates. That irresistible protective vibe is bound to make its appearance. If there’s even a scintilla of attraction and alcohol, you’re done.
Pro Tip: Find a guy in your 300-person lecture hall to do the deed. That way when things get weird (and they will get weird), you can sit on the opposite side of the room and exit out the side door. Whoever said you wouldn’t need spy skills in college clearly wasn’t having any one-night stands.
2. Going Bareback with a Stranger
Not carrying a condom in your purse because you think he will should go down in history as one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make.
Pro Tip: Girl, get your ass straight to Target and buy in bulk. Do you really want to pull a King Henry VIII and become mentally incapacitated due to the syph? I think not. So if you want to have a late-night dalliance with a random, plan ahead so you don’t have to plan parenthood.
3. Taking the Walk of High-Heeled Shame
Wearing your highest pair of heels to the bars? Don’t do it. At least if you’re planning on leaving with someone. Your feet will hurt so much in the morning that you will end up doing the walk of shame barefoot. Knowing your luck, you will probably stumble onto a shard of glass. Then you’ll be forced to awkwardly hobble to urgent care decked out in a tight sequined dress and smudged mascara.
Pro Tip: Keep an emergency one-night stand kit in your purse at all times, complete with foldable flats, a travel-sized toothpaste and a mini hairbrush. Your party dress may be irregular attire at 8 a.m. on a Sunday, but at least your hair won’t look like it lost a fight with a raccoon. The added bonus is being able to take a trip to the doctor without smelling like sex and day-old alcohol.
4. Having Sloppy, Uncoordinated, and Half-Conscious Coitus (AKA Drunk Sex)
So, you thought that having sex when you’re drunk would be as good as when it is when you’re sober? For the love of God, it’s just not. You may be thinking, “drinking lowers my inhibitions, which makes me more adventurous in bed.” Okay, so maybe you have fewer reservations about what you’re doing but unfortunately it doesn’t make you better at completing the deed. If anything, you will end up thinking you can master the Crouching Tiger you read about in Cosmo last week. Instead of seeming like an experienced sex goddess, you will most likely sprain your hip and start bawling your eyes out. Hot.
Pro Tip: If you are drinking to get a little loosey-goosey, keep it at a two-drink minimum. Also, make sure the guy (or girl) you are hooking up with does, too. Otherwise, you might both regret it in the morning.
5. Banging Your Head Against the Wall After Banging
When all is said and done, the worst mistake you can make is expecting you aren’t going to make any of these mistakes because you will. Sure, it’s helpful to have some practical tips. But honestly, the worst mistake you can make is feeling bad about what you did the night before.
Pro Tip: Listen. It already happened, and you’re human being. Have fun, be safe and don’t beat yourself up too much for any between-the-sheets mistakes you may have made. It’s your body. It’s your life. So, do you, girl. Because at the end of the day, that’s really all that matters.