Ahh, upperclassmen. The big dogs of college campuses everywhere. The juniors and seniors whoÂ seem to know all there is to know, the ins and outs of the life of a university student. Whatâs it like inside the mind of these seemingly experienced students? Well, as an upperclassman myself, Iâd be happy to guide you through the top 10 things we kings and queens of the campus say.
1. âOh my god, I never want to leave. Why do I have to leave? Iâm never leaving. YOU CANâT MAKE ME LEAVE.â
After the first few weeks of junior year, upperclassmen slowly realize that the home stretch is in sight. And then, after what feels like five minutes, theyâre seniors, and they become clingy, implacable messes.
2. Whatâs said out loud: âFreshmen are wastes of space. I hate them.â Whatâs said internally: âI WANT TO BE THEM AGAIN.â
Sure, freshmen are the lowest on the totem pole in college, but that just means the only way is up. Upperclassmen pine for the days of their college youth, if only because know the present is oh-so real.
3. âThey upped the beer price from $2.00 to $2.25 and itâs [email protected]%ING RIDICULOUS.â
That quarter addition may seem slight, but with that increase, eight beers equals two extra dollars spent, and, my god, those two dollars couldâve been spent on a whole extra beer.
4. âOh, you didnât read _________? You must be an idiot, then.â
Itâs a given upperclassmen have the upper (sorry) hand socially, but they also tend to think very highly of themselves in the intellectual department. Theyâll make you feel incredibly small for not reading some highfalutin book with one quick wave of their pretentious hand.
5. âI love my major! Now I have to decide what I want to do with it for the rest of my lifeâ¦â â Allie Sizeland, Senior, Providence College
Upperclassmen love to lament about their true passions being lost on the real world. So, when they wonder how art history or philosophy can translate into oodles of cash, just remind them how difficult the job market is, and watch the sweating commence.
6. âIf you donât take this class with this professor, your life wonât change dramatically like mine did.â
As far as giving advice, upperclassmen tend to channel their own particular experiences when trying to help out the youngâuns. Theyâve somehow become experts on everyoneâs academic pursuits.
7. âIf someone held onto my mattress for awhile that wouldâve been great….”â Amanda Powell, Class of 2013, University of Maryland
After a few years of living at school, you tend to accumulate a bunch of stuff, and as graduation looms, upperclassmen realize they have no place to put it, since their parents really donât want a thrice peed on couch in their house or a massive bean bag chair that helped senior girls fight their hangovers.
8. âAll I want is the basketball team to make the tournament JUST ONCE while Iâm at this school. Is that too much to ask for?â
Upperclassmen constantly pray to NCAA gods for some success for their collegeâs sports teams, especially when theyâre actually attending the school. Seniors look at their last year as the last chance for their teams to actually impress them for once.
9. âIâm going to hook up with SO MANY chicks this year because itâll be SO EASY.â
For whatever reason, thereâs a popular opinion that seniors become a bit more sexually active in their final days in college. Â I call it the Apocalypse Complex: when the end is near, upperclassmen just long for all sorts of love.
10. âIâm never gonna have this much fun again for the rest of my life. SO LETâS BE COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE.â
Now, this is the inevitable #YOLO quote. Do upperclassmen actually subscribe to this idea? Thursday through Sunday, maybe. But they keep saying it, even on Monday, and they will until they leave their precious collegiate kingdom.