The Daily Sex: Q & A Forum

Dear Noah, I really want to have a threesome with one of my girlfriend's friends, but I don't think my girlfriend would be into it. I know the friend has talked about it and asked me about it, but I feel like I can't ask my girlfriend because she'd get offended. Is there any way to ask without hurting her feelings? Or should I just not even bother?

--Threesome-deprived female, New York University

Dear Threesome-deprived female,

You want to have a threesome, but you’re worried your girlfriend may feel offended if you ask her about it. This could happen, but there’s a way in which you could bring it up that would help to avoid that situation.

Start talking about threesomes in broad, generic terms. Tell her you think that they’re hot, and ask for her opinion on the subject. See what she says. If she’s vehemently against it, you’re probably barking up the wrong tree. If, however, she seems unsure, or brushes it off…you may be able to introduce the idea to her without negative consequences.

The concept here is to ease her into the idea of partaking in a threesome. Does she know that you want to have threesomes? No? What if she wants to have one too, but is equally as scared to talk about it?

This is why you should at least give it a shot—if you don’t, you could both be missing out on something you each want, simply because you’re scared of offending your partner.

Also, if she does react negatively to the topic of threesomes, think about how badly you want to try a threesome. If it’s a burning desire that’s never going to go away, your partner may not be the right person for you. You may be better off with someone who is as sexually adventurous as you are.

It’s much better to figure it out now than in ten years, when you’re further committed or even married and can’t back out as easily. It’s also much better than fulfilling these desires secretly without your partner.

In the end you should slowly bring up the conversation of threesomes with your girlfriend. Ask her what she thinks, in broad terms. For example: “Do you think threesomes are sexy?” or “Do you know anyone that’s ever been in a threesome?” If she likes the idea, continue to bring it up and gradually be more specific. If she seems opposed, however, you need to ask yourself how badly you want a threesome. Depending on that answer, you may have to reassess the relationship.

Have fun!

--Noah

Dear Noah,

I'm a female at a small university. How often should I stay in touch with my boyfriend who lives far away from my school? And how should I keep in contact with him? Because I don't think Facebook chat is enough, you know?

--Long Distance Girlfriend

Dear Long Distance Girlfriend,

There’s no right or wrong answer when it comes to keeping in contact with your significant other. I know it’s an annoying cliché to hear, but every relationship is different.

I think the main issue here is not the frequency of communication, but rather the form. Facebook chat is a great way to talk to someone throughout the day, but for you, it’s not enough for keeping in contact with your boyfriend.

We all know the couples that can’t go an hour without texting…but we also know the couples that are busy and only talk once a week.

How are those boundaries established? Set a precedent for the type of communication you want. It sounds like you want to do more than Facebook chat with him…so do more! Call him. Skype him. Reach out, and see how he reacts. If he’s fine with it, establish it as the new norm and continue the pattern.

If he reacts negatively, though, you may want voice your concerns. Be careful not to sound whiney in a clingy-partner kind of way. Instead, approach the subject in in a way that flatters him. Tell him how sexy his voice is, and how you miss hearing it every day. Or let him know how hot you think he is, and how you want to see his beautiful eyes more often. Compliment him, and it may be hard for him to resist changing the form of communication.

You can even remind him that video chat enables you two to engage in other kinds of entertaining activities.

Either show him what you want or let him know how you’re feeling, and the communication will hopefully improve. Good luck!

--Noah

Anonymously ask Noah your own hookup/dating/sex/relationship question below and you may find your answer in next week’s column.

Dr. Sawyer: I’m not sure that guys think about sex all day (they sometimes think about food or football), but I’d suggest they do think about sex every day! The most recent, comprehensive survey on adult American sexual mores published in the mid ‘90s reported that 54 percent of men and 19 percent of women think about sex daily. I think that college men and women would definitely increase that percentage.

Dr. Sawyer: There’s little or no scientific data on this topic, but popular opinion has it that certain foods might affect the taste of a man’s semen or a woman’s vaginal fluids. For example:  Sweeter – drink lots of pineapple juice or eat bananas, papayas and cinnamon.

To avoid acidic tastes, don’t eat too much red meat, and to avoid a bitter taste, stay away from alcohol, coffee, garlic, or onions. However, given the lack of any scientific data, this whole issue could be bogus, so maybe eat what the heck you like?!

Dr. Sawyer: If there was a specific time when all women were more sexually receptive, it could certainly streamline and maximize the efforts taken to have sex. Female dogs, for example, experience a surge of estrogen called “estrus” about four times a year, signaling that they are “in heat” to male dogs in the vicinity. Maybe the male-female mating ritual would be greatly simplified if a man could enter a bar, sniff, and say, “I smell estrus, come on, who’s ready?” Just a thought, but it could save time and several drinks!  Human females don’t work this way. Theoretically, a woman should want to have sex most when she ovulates because theoretically, her body is trying to get pregnant. However, because humans have big brains that have a greater influence over sexual desire than simply hormones, research indicates that there is no one set time in the menstrual cycle when all women are more receptive to having sex.  

Dr. Sawyer: Most young men get an erection in two to five seconds (yes, they’re pathetically easy) and could probably ejaculate within a minute or so. The key to preventing this is communication. The guy needs to be able to tell the girl what’s going on, how close he is and to maybe slow down. Men, don’t buy into an urban legend like thinking about baseball or your grandmother! That’s the worst thing you can do. Be bold and talk to your partner, you might be surprised how effective this can be.

Dr. Sawyer: There is a possibility that pre-ejaculatory fluid (posh name for ‘precum’) may contain live sperm from the last time a man ejaculated, so if the man’s playing Russian roulette with pregnancy by using the pull out method, there is a chance that his hookup may be pregnant by about the time he actually withdraws. The lifespan of sperm once it passes the ejaculatory ducts is about 72 hours, so very theoretically, if the man hasn’t ejaculated for about three days, then very theortically, there may be no live sperm in evidence. But really …. how many college men haven’t ejaculated in the past three days? Moot point!

Dr. Sawyer: OK … this isn’t exactly going to sound like Shakespeare, but here’s my truism on this issue: “You can get something wherever you put something.” Most of the infections that are sexually transmissible can be passed on through various activities – through the vagina, the penis, orally or anally. The bugs that cause the infection don’t care what part of the body they invade, they just want somewhere to live for a while, so yes, you can very definitely get an STI from having oral sex. With oral sex, the “giver” is at higher risk than the “receiver” for reasons that should be pretty obvious, and so precautions taken by the “giver” that might help are: using a condom when performing fellatio (mouth on penis), a dental dam or even Saran wrap for cunnilingus (mouth on vagina), and the same for you really adventurous folks who like to orally explore the anus. 

Dr. Sawyer: What’s better, a snail wearing a helmet or a snake wearing a sweater? Research would suggest, there’s really no difference.  Uncircumcised males have reported no greater or lesser sensations during sex, and the partners of these men have also failed to demonstrate any differences. This makes a lot of sense when you realize the following – when an uncircumcised man becomes erect, his foreskin retracts and his penis then looks and feels exactly like that of his circumcised counterpart. I know this is a sketchy visual, but if you had two men with full erections standing in front of you, and one was circumcised and one wasn’t, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. So ultimately, the only difference that can be found is in the eye of the beholder and the styling of the non-erect penis … do you prefer a snail wearing a helmet or a snake wearing a sweater?     

Dr. Sawyer: Theoretically, the G spot is located 1-3 inches up the front (anterior) wall of the vagina, between the vaginal opening and the urethra.  I say “theoretically” as many experts question the very existence of the G spot.  Named in the 1940s after German gynecologist Dr. Ernst Grafenberg, the G spot has long been considered a place that is extremely sensitive, and when stimulated can lead to orgasm, multiple orgasms and even female ejaculation.  Some physiologists have suggested that the G spot is an internal extension of the clitoris and that’s the reason for its receptivity to stimulation.  However, the question that has never been effectively answered is, how is it that while your best friend is howling with orgasmic delight and saturating your new blinds with G spot-induced ejaculatory fluid, you aren’t feeling much at all, despite the torrid efforts of your latest lover?  Doesn’t seem fair, right, and there are many studies that would suggest that the G spot is more fact than fiction.  In the meantime, if you can locate this pleasurable little spot without your GPS, enjoy it, because clearly not everyone can!        

Dr. Sawyer: Back in the 1950’s, doctors identified a place on the anterior wall of the vagina that they suggested would provide the woman multiple orgasms if directly stimulated. A small subset of women who seem to have this G-spot, when stimulated, do in fact expel fluid from their urethra (not vagina), but it’s not urine.

Dr. Sawyer: If the woman has a yeast infection at the time of sex, there’s a great chance the man will become infected. Yeast in a man is commonly called “jock itch,” and is a fungal infection that results in an itchy red rash in the scrotal sac and in between the legs. The infection in the male can easily be treated with an over-the-counter medication, like Lotrisone. If you’re a woman who keeps getting infected with yeast, have your boyfriend checked…he could be re-infecting you. Oh, by the way, you can get yeast infection of the throat, so watch out for oral sex!

Dr. Sawyer: While getting pregnant is highly unlikely if you have sex during your period, it’s not totally impossible, so you might want to use a condom anyway.  Additionally, sex during menstruation might increase the risk of transmitting a sexually transmitted infection, so why not use a condom and take care of two potential problems at the same time?