The Daily Sex: Q & A Forum
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What Is It About Missionary?
Dear College Magazine,
I wanna try something new in bed, but my girlfriend only ever wants to do missionary. Why is that? Is there something special about missionary for girls that I'm not getting?
--Can't Spice it Up
Dear Can't Spice it Up,
Ah, the classic missionary position, a bedroom staple. Movies and TV tout it as the “normal” way to have sex, though this is at odds with what magazines like Cosmopolitan tell us. While your favorite rom-coms show two lovebirds staring into each others eyes while gently thrusting, women’s magazines all over keep telling us to “spice up the bedroom” with sexual positions comparable to the feats performed in Cirque du Soleil. Although twisting your left leg around your partner’s head while standing on one toe and holding up a 15-pound barbell may somehow bring you closer to orgasm, sometimes, these impossibly athletic feats can seem like a bit much.
Which is why many women often settle for missionary.
“It’s lazy sex,” says Kaitlin Reinhardt, a junior at Central Connecticut State University. “I don’t really have to move – plus, you get a great view of his triceps.”
Reinhardt isn’t the only lady out there who loves missionary for this reason. In an article for the Oprah-approved sex and dating website Em & Lo, an anonymous contributor wrote that women love the fact that you and your guy can have a great time “while you’re both lying down and never missing a thrust.”
But laziness isn’t the only reason why women keep coming back to the missionary position. We’re not a bunch of lethargic sloths. We all have the same goal in mind – the big O, something that’s difficult to achieve in missionary. So what is it that really has us hooked on this mysterious move?
The answer seems to lie in the inherent intimacy of the missionary position. “The missionary’s physical closeness engenders emotional closeness,” claims Em & Lo. “It’s the position people think of when love songs mention two people becoming one.”
For some, this physical closeness may enhance emotional attachment as well as the sexual experience. The Huffington Post cites a Concordia University study headed by Psychologist Jim Pfaus that found that love and lust are found in the same sector of the brain.
In other words, if you’re turned on emotionally, you’re turned on physically, and vice versa. Missionary position is a perfect example of this. As Julie Rollins, a sophomore at the University of Michigan says, “Being face to face during sex is as incredibly alluring as it is romantic.”
This explains why so many women prefer missionary. Even though it’s less likely to guarantee orgasm, in some ways, it can be an even more emotional and erotic experience than one of those crazy Cosmo positions.
Not to mention, it’s a total turn-on when one person takes charge in the bedroom. “Don’t get me wrong,” says Reinhardt, “I love calling the shots, but there’s something totally sexy about having a guy on top of me.” Try and disagree with that, I dare you
Photo taken from images.idiva.com
How Do I Make My Bedroom A Love Nest?
Dear College Magazine,
I've noticed lately that girls don't want to stay the night at my place. The evening is usually going great but then they get back to my room and suddenly want to end the night. Is there something I'm doing wrong?
Dear Eager Guy,
A lot of people don’t really think about the state of their bedroom before they have sex. If you’re about to get it in, your room is probably the last thing on your mind. Most people only bother checking their breath and hair. But your room can also make or break the deal.
For me, I know that when a guy is coming over there are some things I have to do. I make my bed, obviously. I pick the clothing and shoes up off the ground a throw them in the closet. I light a candle for the smell and the atmosphere. Maybe a little cheesy, but it doesn’t hurt. Then I switch the light from my ceiling fan to my string lights, which make the room surprisingly sexy I think. But of course, this all depends on just how much prep time I have before show time.
“The condition of my room depends on how much time I have to prepare. If I have time — totally clean and cozy,” said Gabriella Montemayor, a student at the University of Texas at San Antonio. “If I have 20 minutes — hide my dirty clothes in my closet, make my bed and get the embarrassing stuff out of my bathroom. If I have 5 minutes — take out my bathroom trash.”
Yeah, don’t forget the bathroom either. If you’re screwing around with someone you know is going to snoop through your medicine cabinet, you might want to edit what is in there before he or she comes over. Pick your towels up off the floor. Ladies, hide your lady products. Then make sure the toilet seat is down and the shower curtain is closed. Bathrooms can’t be too clean. Bedrooms are another story.
“I have been to places that are so sketchy it looks like a crime scene, and some where it’s so clean I'm afraid to not use a coaster,” adds Montemayor.
Of course, an honest-to-god bedroom isn’t something every college student has in common. Even once you manage to escape the dorms, you’re stuck moving into a place with little to no furniture. And you would never think of it, but sometimes you are ready for sex way before your bedroom is.
“One time I went over to a guy’s house and he only had a recliner in his bedroom, and the floor was covered in trash and he had drug paraphernalia lying around,” says Cody Patterson, a grad student at the University of Massachusetts. “Needless to say I called the rendezvous off and got the heck out of there.”
Another good point. If you like to get high at home, make sure your partner is okay with that. Because if he or she isn’t, they may feel uncomfortable and you’ll be left wondering why they started acting so strange. So if you have one, hide your bong to be on the safe side.
You may be sleeping with this person, but he or she is still an overnight guest. They are spending the night with you, so do them the courtesy of at least making your room presentable. Personally, I’ve been in guys’ bedrooms where everything was spotless and then some rooms where the guy who could make some serious use out of a vacuum cleaner.
If you are in a supter tight time crunch and can only freshen up yourself or your room, go for yourself. But if you have the time to do both, take it. You wouldn’t want to spend the night with a hottie in a pigsty.
Photos taken from and kimsbigquiltingadventure.blogspot.com and freeimageworks.com
How Do I Know if We Should Break Up?
Dear College Magazine,
My boyfriend and I have been having issues for a while. How do I know if it's time to pull the plug or not?
--Not Sure About This Relationship
Dear Not Sure About This Relationship,
Living in close quarters, balancing a busy schedule and dealing with the stress of classes and extracurriculars make college relationships a confusing roller coaster of ups and downs. It’s normal for your relationship not to be perfect – no relationship is. But where do we draw the line between healthy, everyday issues, and dysfunction? How do you know when your relationship has lost the spark that will keep you together?
1. FIGHTING. “Part of what pushed us to finally end it was the fact that we were fighting constantly,” said Julie Rollins, a sophomore at the University of Michigan. “Throughout our relationship, we fought occasionally and would make up soon after, but it got to the point where we were fighting almost every day.”
Arguments can be healthy but when they’re happening too often, it can have a negative effect on a relationship. This is especially true in college, where late-night, booze-fueled brawls are commonplace.
“We used to get in arguments at parties over small misunderstandings,” said Rollins. “Things that never would have bothered us if we were sober, but that made us ridiculously emotional after a few drinks.” Plus, it’s hard to make up the next day when neither of you remember why the fight started to begin with. “It created a lot of tension that we soon realized was unfixable,” Rollins admitted.
2. LACK OF SPACE. When you live on the same campus at someone, it’s easy to want to spend time together every day, but too much couple time can also cause a relationship to suffer. Amanda Nelson, a Junior at Northeastern, said, “My ex and I spent almost every waking moment together, mostly because it was easy and we could, but after a while we just started getting bored with each other.”
3. GETTING BORED. A lack of mystery can suck the excitement out of a relationship, and when you’ve got hours of homework and commitments on your plate, you need excitement to stay interested. “Things just became too routine,” said Nelson. “We just fell out of love with each other after a while.” If you’ve been feeling bored with your guy or girl for some time, it might be time to rethink things.
4. DESIRE TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE. Boredom in a relationship can also lead to a wandering eye. Maybe you’ve been eyeing that cutie who sits next to you in your evening lecture. Maybe you’ve caught yourself accidentally flirting with strangers at bars. Shopping around while in a relationship is normal – to an extent. But if you’ve noticed that your heart races at the thought of another person, it might be time to rethink the situation you’re in and free yourself up for the other person who’s been on your mind.
But just because your relationship has been on the rocks doesn’t mean things have to end for good. “For my boyfriend and I, the breakup was the right choice at the time,” said Rollins. “We needed the space to remember why we were together to begin with. Four months later, we’re back together and as happy as we’ve ever been.” Sometimes, breaking it off with your beau doesn’t mean cutting ties altogether – it’s a way to regain perspective, discover what needs fixing and give each other space. The time spent apart could be the best choice the two of you have ever made.
Photos taken from magforwomen.com and michellesgotsomethingtosay.wordpress.com
Can I Have Sex if I Have My Period?
Dear College Magazine,
Can I still have sex if I have my period?
Dear Curious Female,
Actually, you can.
Let’s just dive in shall we? Can you have sex when you have your period? Yes. Have people done it? Yes. Is it easy? Arguably.
Here is a little compilation of odds and ends you might want to know if you and your partner are interested in, “menstruation sex” – yeah, it needs to be renamed.
As you get older, you will realize that everything- EVERYTHING- is psychological and it all has to do with perspective. So prior to intercourse with your partner during “that time of the month”, you might want to make sure everyone is on the same page. For men, the sex will feel the same as it always does but due to cultural taboos the thought of what is happening, the whole blood coming out of the vaginal canal that they are about to enter (someone had to say it)- might freak them out.
For example, a friend of mine, Mark, is one of the few guys I’ve spoken to who has felt comfortable discussing having sex with a girl on her period. However, it was in a situation where neither of them realized it until afterwards. He admitted that there was no real difference until the end when they realized things had gotten a little messy down there. “It’s all mental”- the actual thought of it is “gross” (his words) but, so long as he didn’t know prior, it wasn’t a big deal. He proceeded to explain it would be like a girl punching a guy in the face and then making out with his bloody mouth. I beg to differ.
There are far more benefits for a woman to have sex during her period than a man getting punched in the face (then again, if it was the right guy… you might have an argument). In an article for everydayhealth.com, Kellie Flood-Shaffer, MD, an associate professor and division director of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Cincinnati College of Medicine explained, “the menstrual blood actually makes a very nice lubricant and may enhance sexual satisfaction for some couples.” Translation: Cost Effective Lube! She also said it may help provide pain relief for menstrual cramps by counteracting them with feel-good endorphins. So ladies, if you have a partner, maybe skimp out on the Midol? According to Flood-Shaffer you are a little more sensitive, so it’s a bit more pleasurable and it can also shorten your period… This is all starting to sound like a prescription for birth control, but I assure you it’s not. You’ll find that the pitfalls are a little different in this situation…
It’s Messy. So if you’re gonna do it, best place an unwanted towel down where you plan to mark your territory. However, there are sex positions, such as the woman on her back, that utilize good old gravity to stop the messy part.
Some people suggest diaphragm type of contraception to be used at that time to block the flow. One thing is certain- do not wear a tampon during intercourse; it could hurt you and your partner. Whether it be in the form of TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome) although, uncommon, not impossible! Another fun uncommon -but not impossible- thing: You can get pregnant even if you have your period. So as per usual keep up with the contraception.
It seems that many of the couples and singles I have asked about this had similar situations: The girl was unaware she had it. Not many seem to have consciously talked about it and then proceeded to dive in. Either way, so long as protection is used, there is no harm here, no real health concern (aside from the usual STI/STD talk that should happen prior to sex). The only real thing I wish to leave you with is- if this should happen by accident- do not be ashamed, life happens and if the guy takes it in stride- that could be a glimpse into the better part of his character. If he should take it in the other direction, his maturity is readily questionable and you should bring him back down to earth.
Photos taken from chacha.com and sciencenordic.com
Is He Worth My Time?
I've started seeing this guy and we've been hooking up. He's telling me how much he likes me and wants to see where things go with us but he is always liking pictures of girls on facebook and instagram (especially boob pictures) even after he told me he wants to see where things go with us. He seems like a total man whore with his social media. Am I being paranoid or is he trying to play the field and keep me on the back burner?
Independent attractive female who doesn't want to waste her time.
When you mix technology with dating, it often results in disaster. This arises from our attempt to interpret everything a person does with technology. We try to figure out what short text messages mean, even though they may have been quickly composed without much thought. We try to understand why someone would "like" a picture of another attractive person on Facebook, even if there's no romantic attraction. We are constantly trying to create meaning where there is none and begin to weave stories that, while they could be true, are often false.
Here you are, getting every positive signal from this guy: he's telling you he likes you, and he wants to develop the relationship to see where things go. Yet you're skeptical because he's liking pictures of other girls on social media sites.
You're concerned that he's promiscuous and think that he may be playing you. While this could be true, think about it: if he was trying to take advantage of you and be with many women at once, do you really think he'd be dumb enough to "like" pictures of boobs on a site he knows you can see?
Maybe he's an idiot...or maybe he just isn't thinking about it. You have to remember: men often aren't thinking about these kinds of things as much as women are. He's seeing a picture of boobs, is getting turned on, and is "liking" the picture. It doesn't mean he's not interested in you...if anything, it means he really wants to be sexually active with a girl but has to settle for Instagram. If he's the "man whore" you think he is, he wouldn't need Instagram to be looking at boobs.
Calm down, take a deep breath and don’t judge his personality from his thoughtless actions on Instagram. Pursue the relationship and see where things go. Don't create unnecessary barriers - if this really bothers you, be a little cautious as you develop a relationship with him. Don't shy away from him until you have a legitimate reason to do so.
I've been hooking up with one of my guy friends because I have developed feelings and want a relationship with him. He tells me that he likes me, but has commitment issues and can only be friends with benefits for now. Should I keep hooking up with him in hoping that he'll one day be ready for a relationship with me? We're exclusive as far as only hooking up with each other, but I fear that if I stop then he might find some other girl and we'll go back to just being friends. "
--Do I Commit to Scared of Commitment?
You shouldn't keep hooking up with him if you want more than he's willing to give. You're walking into an emotional trap, and you may end up coming out of it with a lot of emotional damage.
I actually did this once - there was a guy I was "dating," although he wouldn't call it that, and he was afraid to commit. He wanted to only be friends with benefits, although I eventually pressured him into labeling it as exclusive dating. Do you know what happened? I got emotionally attached to him, and two months later he ended things after I had pressured him to enter into a relationship.
When you look for a partner, you're searching for someone who is compatible with you. This compatibility isn't just about opinions, looks or personality - it's also about values. Right now, he can't value commitment. We could try to psychoanalyze the situation and figure out the interesting reason for his indecision - I did that with my guy, and he had been cheated on multiple times in the past.
But I did that because I want to be a psychologist, so I figured I'd get some practice with him. You, on the other hand, have no responsibility to figure out why he has commitment issues. Even if you do understand the underlying reason, it's not going to fix the situation.
You're wasting your time if you think that hooking up with him may lead to something more. If you try to ignore what you really want, and continue the friends with benefits relationship, it's going to be hard and unsatisfying. Lose the guy while you're still not extremely attached to him, and find someone who's worth your time.
Anonymously ask Noah your own hookup/dating/sex/relationship question below and you might find your answer in next week's column.
Also, check out Noah's Twitter @Ask_Noah
Friendship or Love? A Guide to Hooking Up with a Friend's Ex
My roommate has a huge crush on this girl but she's shown interest in me and now I'm starting to develop feelings for her. Do I risk losing my friend to pursue this possible relationship?
This type of love triangle can be a common issue between friends, but it’s increasingly difficult because you also live together. There are a couple things you want to take into consideration when trying to make your decision of what to do.
The first thing you want to figure out is whether or not this girl is worth it. Do you have real feelings for her or do you want a one-time-hookup? If you’re going to go through the headache of dealing with your roommate, you want to make sure you’re pursuing something that is going to last more than one night.
If you decide she’s worth it and you want to move forward there are a few steps you can take. First, you want to try and think whether or not this has happened before. Have you been out with your roommate in the past, and has a girl he was interested in come up to you? If so, how did he react? Did he laugh and shrug it off, or did he get jealous? Through reflecting on his past reactions to similar situations, you may be able to find an answer to how he may react if you go for the girl.
The next thing you want to consider is how strong your friendship is with your roommate. While it's true that your roommate could continue to try and flirt with the girl, it seems like his efforts would be wasted if she's interested in someone else. Don't forget - when it comes to your roommate's crush, the important thing is who she is interested in. The fact that she's flirting with you suggests that she's not into your roommate.
Then you have to go ahead and talk to him. Make sure to focus on her flirting with you as a sign that she's not interested in him, and remind him that she'll probably find another guy to flirt with if you pretend you're not interested.
In the end, you'll actually be saving your roommate the time he'd be wasting on a crush who isn't into him. No matter who that crush happens to be flirting with, the important thing is that it's not your roommate receiving her affection. Rejection is a hard thing to deal with, and don't be surprised if your roommate displaces his anger about his rejection onto your relationship with this girl. Just remember that it'll pass, and in the end you're saving your roommate from wasting his time and going through a whole lot of heartbreak.
My friend and her boyfriend broke up about a month ago. He and I have been hanging out a lot since then and recently we hooked up. Should I tell my friend at all or just keep it quiet? If I do tell her, when is the best time?
The best time to tell your friend is as soon as possible. She’s just had a substantial loss in her life and is probably still upset over it. The last thing she wants to think about is her boyfriend hooking up with other people, but unfortunately he's doing it...and it's with her close friend.
When you tell her, she will definitely be angry. That anger, however, will mostly be from the fact that her ex has moved on and will have less to do with your dating him. If you keep this from her, though, she'll have a legitimate reason to be angry with you. She can latch onto this legitimate reason, and her anger about her ex will be transferred to her anger about your hiding the relationship.
Definitely tell her, and do it soon. The longer you wait, the more deceived she is going to feel. You may want to send her a Facebook message or note, as it may be better for her to be alone as she processes what has happened. You can express how conflicted you're feeling, and that you want what's best for her.
Give her the power in this situation, and tell her that she can decide what the best way is to deal with the fact that you’re hooking up with her ex. But if you want it to become something more with him make sure you don't present breaking it off with her ex as an option, because that's not going to happen. Although she may be extremely angry, her fragile state is no reason for you to stop a relationship that may end up being perfectly healthy.
Tell her, give her some time to react, and talk it out. You should fine, as long as you remember how hurt she is feeling and that she may place some of her anger about the breakup onto you. Remember that, and take whatever she says with a grain of salt.
Anonymously ask Noah your own hookup/dating/sex/relationship question below and you might find your answer in next week's column.
Also, check out Noah's Twitter @Ask_Noah
Photo taken from johanssoncoaching.com
Pleasing Your Guy & Calling it Quits
I just started sleeping with this guy but I feel very inexperienced. What positions do guys like / what should I be doing in the bedroom to make sure it's a good time for both of us?
--In Need of Bedroom Tips
You know, it's funny. Most men and women think that their partners have universal desires that exist throughout that particular sex. For example, a lot of men think all women love to get facials, and many women think men are obsessed with sports. But do you know what the truth is? Everyone has their preferences. Some women love getting facials, some hate it. Some men love sports, others would rather watch reality television. It all depends on your partner, which is why you can't use a universal approach to figure out what works best.
The most important thing is to openly communicate with your guy and ask him what positions he likes. Find out what really gets him turned on, and try it. See if it works. Tell him that you want both of you to openly communicate your desires so that you can have the hottest relationship possible.
It's weird that we spend so much time thinking about sex, and yet we're so afraid to talk about it with our partners. Even though sex is one of the most intimate things we can do with another person, it’s not the easiest thing to bring up in conversation. But there are so many benefits to doing so.
Open up the line of communication, and you'll realize that you can both get intense pleasure out of your sexual relationship. The most important thing to remember: don't fake ANY orgasms. In the moment he’ll appreciate it but it may come back to bite you later. Most women can't finish from vaginal intercourse, which is completely okay. But the second you fake it you trap yourself into either revealing that you've been deceiving your partner or continuing to not orgasm with him. Both of those options suck.
Although it's hard, you want to be honest and straightforward from the beginning. That'll be the key to transforming your sexual encounters from being good to being mind-blowingly amazing.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a while but since I got to college I've wanted to hook up with other girls. I'm still attracted to my girlfriend and everything else is going fine, but I also want to experience the college hookup scene. Do I break up with her?
--Out of the Hookup Loop
This has been said, but I’ll say it again – college is a time for exploration. Not just exploring your options as far as majors, possible careers, etc., but also a time to explore your sexuality. After college, a lot of girls (and some guys) are looking to settle down and find committed relationships. This leads a lot of girls to be unwilling to partake in the hookup culture.
So, although it sucks, this is your major time to enjoy that hookup culture. If you really want to be a part of it, then you should. You don't want to look back in 30 years and regret not having stepped into the culture in which you're so obviously interested.
Bring this up with your girlfriend, and make it clear to her that you like your current relationship but want the freedom to do some sexual exploration in college. She may be perfectly fine with your decision, and could want to partake in some exploration herself.
Or, the more likely option is that she will be unhappy with your decision...but wouldn't you want to be dating someone who has similar views about college hookups? Just as I'd be happier with a gay guy who, like me, doesn't enjoy hookups, you may be happier with someone who matches your sexual desires. Plus, you don’t want to end up resenting her for not giving you the opportunity to live your college life to the fullest, and that could be the end of your relationship anyway.
If your girlfriend reacts really negatively, then you should probably ends things. It’s not fair to her or yourself to be having these feelings and then just stick with the relationship because you feel obligated to. If she’s open to the idea of seeing other people, it'll be a good sign that you're on the same page and you can try out a more open relationship. Either way, bring it up because you don't want to be thinking "what if..." when you're looking back on your college years.
Anonymously ask Noah your own hookup/dating/sex/relationship question below and you might find your answer in next week's column.
Also, check out Noah's Twitter @Ask_Noah
Photo taken from lover800.blogspot.com
Taking the Next Step
I have been working with this guy for about 5 months now. During that time I have grown feelings for him and recently confessed them to him. He responded by saying he would like to take me out on a date but didn't exactly say he liked me back. There's another problem, he is also my boss and 5 years older than me. We are both adults though, he is 23 and I am 18. Should I pursue this further or just let it go? How do I find out if he likes me without freaking him out? I just don't know how to go about all this.
It’s a good sign that he’s willing to take you out on a date – and I have a lot of respect for your putting yourself out there like that. Many people are scared to confess to liking a crush, and it sounds like you had the self-confidence to do it. Good for you.
Why are people scared to tell their crushes that they like them? Because they’re terrified of being rejected. You probably were too, which is why you’re searching for evidence to the contrary. In your head, you probably had an idea of a “good scenario” outcome where he would confess his feelings for you. The “bad scenario” would be for him to say he wasn’t attracted to you and walk away.
But now you’re stuck in the middle of what you consider “good” or “bad;” he agreed to go on a date but didn’t say he liked you back. And you know what? That’s completely okay. You should consider that a positive response, not a neutral one.
There’s also the possibility that he’s been crushing on you too, despite his lack of honesty about it. Don’t forget—he’s your boss. I don’t know what kind of job you have, but there are a lot of situations where a boss can easily be fired for getting involved with an employee. This may be the source of his hesitancy. He’s weighing the risk of getting fired with his attraction to you.
The signs so far have only been positive, and you should treat it like that. Don’t nervously contemplate how he feels…instead, go on the date with the guy you’ve been crushing on. Go with it, and you may end up being pleasantly surprised with how things turn out.
I met this guy who is a freshman and thought was attractive (I am an upperclassman) and we casually know each other from before. I met him at a party and thought I should ask him to dance with me so I did and he happily obliged and we danced all night long. Although things were getting pretty steamy and we were into each other and I hoped he would initiate something, he didn't. Almost a week later I suggested we hangout on a weekend but he said he already "had other plans" but decided to exchange numbers instead so we could "talk". Haven't heard from him since then and I haven't initiated a conversation either. Whats going on? Did I offer too much?
This is why I HATE texting. It has forced upon us a horrible game we must play with the people we like. You’re judging his level of interest because he hasn’t texted you. What if he’s doing the same thing? He’s clearly into you—if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have asked for your number.
The game of texting is a game of questions. Who texted first? How long did it take them to respond? Are they continuing the conversation, or just answering my questions? Why do they sound so disinterested?
We try so hard to read meaning into text messaging, but that leads us to make conclusions that are completely invalid. He may be waiting for you to text him first—who was the last one to respond in the conversation?
You can’t let yourself go down the path of creating stories to justify such a small amount of behavior. There’s three pieces of information that you have about this guy. The first is that he danced with you at the party and didn’t hook up. You think this means he might not be interested—that’s the negative outlook. The positive one would be that he liked you too much and didn’t want you to be a random hookup.
Then he was busy when you asked him out, but he asked to exchange numbers. Negative view—he’s making excuses. Positive one—he likes you but he was busy, so he asked for your number.
And now he hasn’t texted you. The negative view is that he’s doesn’t care enough…and the positive one is that he is waiting for you to text first.
You can tell yourself any kind of story you want, but it’s better if you remain positive and give it a good effort. Text him first, ask him when he’s free before inviting him out, and let him make the next move. See if he’s helping to progress the relationship. Remember: if you don’t try, the relationship is guaranteed to fail.
Photo taken from gettingsmart.com
The Sex Timeline
When is the right time to start having sex with someone?
--Girl In Need of a Time Line
Dear Girl in Need of a Time Line,
It seems that issues related to timing on sex and fear of abandonment are common in college students. It's an unfortunate product of our society and suggests that girls have to put out in order to be happy in life. Is this completely true? No...but it isn't completely false, either. Unfortunately, there are a lot of guys out there who may get "bored" and not want to stay with you if you don't put out. But there are other guys who will wait. The question you have to ask yourself, then, is when you want to have sex with a guy.
You're asking me to tell you when you should be ready to have sex. I can't do that, though. The choice is up to you - all I can do is try to frame the possible outcomes for waiting versus doing it right away. If you wait, you'll find a guy whose values are similar to your own on the sexuality scale. It's true that society has created many guys who don't want to wait and this possible guy may be harder to find. So, you can find a guy who's similar to you on your sexuality scale...but it may take a little longer.
The other possibility depends mostly on how comfortable you are with having sex right away. If it's something you're morally opposed to, then you should wait. Don't force yourself to do anything you're not comfortable with. If you're open to the idea, though, and are not sure how you feel about it, I would suggest trying it at least once. This isn't just about when to have sex: I think everyone should explore their sexuality.
I'm gay, and the culture of a lot of gay men involves random hookups. Even though that’s not necessarily for me, I still tried it out to see. I confirmed that it's something I'm just not interested in...but I'm also glad I tried it. I felt like my discomfort was a huge barrier to my being able to meet guys, and I was forced to weigh that discomfort against having to wait longer to find someone.
In the end, it's all about trying things and figuring out your own values and comfort level with various sexual activities. Once you figure those out, don't let yourself cave in on your them to find a guy. Just make sure those values are as important to you as it may seem to other people, as you don't want something you don't care much about to be defining your future relationships. Weigh everything, and decide. Good luck!
How do I get commitment from my guy? We've been seeing each other for about a month now, but I'm not sure how to get us on the same page.
--Desperately Craving Commitment
Dear Desperately Craving Commitment,
You can't just "get a commitment" from a guy. You have to talk to him, and see where he is. It's a huge mistake to pressure a partner into a commitment they’re not ready for. Think about this: you aren't really looking for a relationship, but you find a really hot guy. He wants something more, and keeps talking about it...but you just want to keep hooking up. Since you figure you won't be hooking up with other people, you decide to "commit" to him. But you're still open to being attracted to other people, and once someone better comes along you break up with him. He's devastated.
Do you want to be that guy? Probably not. So don't pressure your partner. You do want to get on the same page with him, but that page isn't necessarily the one you're on now. You may have to meet him in the middle.
The only way this joining of pages can happen is if you talk to him about it. Have an open discussion. If he seems vehemently against the idea of commitment, then you may have to stay in a loosely defined relationship or move on. If he's open to the idea of commitment express your views and see how he reacts.
After that discussion you can decide how to act. You want the person you're in a committed relationship with to be as crazy about you as you are about him. You don't want to have to convince someone they should commit to you. It's a hard reality to face, but you may be more attracted to him than he is to you. Of course, he could be crazy about you and just want to take things slowly...which you'll find out if you talk to him.
Don't make the mistake of holding in your own feelings about the relationship, because that's a weak foundation to build a commitment on. If it’s meant to be you’ll get on the same page and it's then that you'll be able to assess that page. Otherwise you’ll have to decide whether or not he's worth your time.
Anonymously ask Noah your own hookup/dating/sex/relationship question below and you might see your answer in next week's column.
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Photo taken from manurishiguptha.blogspot.com
Boost Your Own Ego
I can't get any girls attracted to me, and I go to a very large university. I work out and I think I am fairly friendly, but I never get the "ladies vibe" or anything. I don't consider myself some sort of amazingly beautiful person, but I wouldn't say I have any abnormal things about me. What do you suggest?
Dear College Man,
If you’re going to a very large university, it’s definitely not the number of fish in the sea that’s your barrier. And while looks can matter, in the end there's someone for everyone, and personality and confidence trumps appearances.
First, you want to ask yourself how you’re meeting potential “ladies.” If you’re spending your time trying to attract girls in your classes or clubs, you’re going about it the wrong way. Those kinds of relationships develop without much work; you spend a lot of time with people in those settings, and an attraction will naturally become apparent.
Where you want to “try” is at parties, bars, or other settings when you’re meeting strangers through loose connections. If you go to a pregame, and meet a friend of a friend, or end up at a party and are introduced to a girl, that’s when you want to put in some effort.
Now that you know when to try, the next thing is figuring out the best way to do it. You say that you’re a friendly person…but you want to attract girls who want more than friendship. And the girls that are looking for a guy are not necessarily looking for a friendly one—they’re looking for a hot one.
Sometimes it’s better to be less friendly and more cool. By cool, I mean you need to seem calm, confident, and casual. Confidence is a quality that girls find extremely attractive, yet is something we often forget to think about.
Which girl are you going to like more: the one who is friendly and comes up to you, or the one who looks at you, gives a slight smile to show she’s interested, and turns away?
Desirability can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, perpetuated by a sense of confidence. Exude that confidence, and you’ll be set. Think of this less as what you can do to be more attractive, and rather how you can carry yourself to be more confident.
Good luck, and don’t overdo it—no one likes a pompous jerk.
"Would ladies find me boring due to my qualities?
-Reading a lot (about anything- from world economics to cuisine and travelling/sports)
-Some shyness but wanting to get to know people
-Likes to travel
-Average looks but finds ways to make himself laugh and happy i.e. listening to good music, watching funny films etc.
-Wanting to talk about his hobbies & passions (albeit not to excess)"
Dear Resumé Guy,
College isn’t Match.com—you can’t just list your qualities to determine your percentage of attractiveness and compatibility.
The fact that you’re looking at it this way is probably your biggest problem. The things you listed are awesome—lots of girls would find them attractive. But they’re not going to be attracted to someone who’s questioning their own qualities.
This situation is similar to the previous question. You need to be confident that you’re an interesting person in order for others to think so too. The second you meet someone, you’re not going to be able to convey all of your interests to them at once.
That’s the whole reason dating exists – it’s not called “date,” it’s called “dating.” Why? Because we need to interact with people multiple times before we understand them and can determine if they are interesting or boring. You just need to make sure you make a good impression, which involves confidence and a little bit of extroversion.
I think you’ve got everything you need—you just need to believe it. Remember that your hobbies and interests are going to change, but your personality characteristics aren’t. Even if you had a lack of interests and hobbies, you still want to learn, your humorous and your passionate. Go with it.
Just one last thing: don’t be cocky. Something about the way you were able to list off your qualities gives me the feeling that you think highly of yourself but are insecure about how others see you. Get rid of that insecurity, because it’s only going to hurt you. And add a little humility into that mix—it can’t hurt.
You’ll be fine, as soon as you believe it yourself. Good luck!
Photo taken from polyvore.com
Boring Sex Life?
I want to spice up our sex lives a bit. Everything we do seems over-done and is becoming boring. Got any tips?
--Boring Sex Life
Dear Boring Sex Life,
The key to expanding your sex life is in communicating with your partner. We all have fetishes, but most of us are too embarrassed to tell our partners what they are. You need to start that conversation, and normalize with your partner by casually revealing your own kinky desires.
It's important that you're both willing to explore the other's fetish. As Dan Savage a prominent sex advice columnist says, you want to be "GGG," or "good, giving, and game." That means that you're willing to explore various options with your partner, and are also willing to tell your partner what your fantasies are.
Although most people think that everyone has the "school teacher" or "nun" fantasy, that's not in fact true. Fetishes can range from simple things like rough sex to more complicated ones like bondage. You need to be open to whatever your partner says, and your partner needs to do the same.
With strong communication, you can turn your seemingly boring sex life into a whole new one. As long as you're both willing to try almost anything at least once, you should find some new hot adventures.
If one of you is interested in something that could be potentially dangerous, do your research. Google is your friend. Just remember to always be safe, and make sure you're both consenting to anything that happens. Good luck!
I just got out of a long-term relationship and I really thought it was going to be a while before I was ready for another potential boyfriend until I met this guy. We have been talking a lot (all day every day) and we spent a weekend together (no sex, but we cuddled all night and he kissed me). Except he just got out of a long term relationship too and I live hours away from him, yet he keeps inviting me to concerts, amusement parks, things like that and when we talk he's very flirtatious and sweet to me...he hasn’t exactly told me he likes me more than a friend but his actions say otherwise. How do I know that this could be real and not him just needing a rebound?
Dear Confused Girl,
From everything you've told me so far, I think he likes you. You've spent a weekend together, cuddled, gone on multiple dates, and have done this despite living hours from each other.
One thing about relationships is that we can't control when we find a partner. Sure, he could be attracted to you because you're looking for a rebound...but so what? You're both rebounding. If you still like each other a lot, and it's mutual, it doesn't matter what your incentive for pursuing the relationship is.
I don't think you really need to talk directly to him about this; rather, you need to make a move. When you're cuddling, start kissing him and see how he reacts. Chances are that he'll be into you.
And if not, then so what? You just met him and he lives hours away - it's not like you're risking alienating a close friend or anything.
It's a mistake to think of this relationship as either real or a rebound...because in reality, it could be both. It doesn't matter how you met him - go with it, and see how you feel.
You need to make your move soon. When you meet someone of the sex to which you're attracted, there's two ladders you can climb: the friend one, and the sexual one. The higher you go up one ladder, the harder it is to jump to the other. You're climbing the friend ladder right now...and you want to switch to the sexual one. Do it soon, before it's too late.
Photo taken from venusbuzz.com
Best Friend Looking to be Girlfriend
I recently was asked if I was going out with my best guy friend, which made me think that maybe I do like him. We've been friends for over a year, and we get along great, but I'm afraid that if I do flirt with him to see if he does like me, it'll freak him out and make him not want to hang out with me. It's not like just some random boy where the worst would be him saying 'no', the worst would be I lose one of my really good friends. What should I do?
--Best Friend Looking to be Girlfriend
This is a tricky situation. You really like this guy emotionally and want to start connecting with him on a sexual level. You're scared, though, that he'll react negatively and you'll lose that connection because he'll withdraw from you.
There's a line you haven't crossed with him yet, and you want to cross it. The best thing to do in this case is to tentatively dip your toe in the pool. You can start to talk about how everyone thinks you're dating, and see how he reacts. Ask him how he'd feel if you were dating. Bring it up a couple of times, and see what he thinks of the idea.
He could be thinking the exact same thing as you, but is also too scared to talk about it...although the more likely case is that he just isn't into you. Think about it: when you first met, what stopped you from dating then? Sure, you didn't have feelings for him. But if he had feelings for you why didn’t he show them? First impressions really do mean a lot, especially in a situation like this one.
You can keep asking yourself these questions, or you can actually find an answer to them. Finding the answer, however, is going to take a lot of courage on your part.
You said that the worst outcome in this situation would be losing a really good friend. Logically speaking, that isn't true because if he is a "good friend," your revealing of feelings won't ruin the relationship. The worst outcome is actually if you don't do anything, and always have that "what if" question in the back of your head. Twenty years from now, you don't want to be thinking about what could have been.
If I really like someone should I avoid having sex with them right away? I know that this is the common advice girls get, but is it worth risking that he'll move on to someone else?
--Not Quite Ready Yet
It really depends on the person. Some guys will drop a girl who won't have sex with them right away, while others are willing to wait. The things you have to think about are what kind of guy you want, and what you mean by "right away."
If you're planning on waiting three weeks before doing anything with him, I'd say it's too much. But if you are thinking about waiting until after a couple dates, I'd say it's perfectly fine. If a guy can't wait a few dates for you to bring him back to your room, he probably isn't worth dating.
Also, there are lots of other things you can do before sex. When you find a guy you like, get him going a little. Whether that involves a little making out and groping, or some mutual oral sex...it's up to you. But you definitely want to do something, to show him even if you’re not ready for sex at the moment, you might be ready at some point in the future. A guy can hope.
Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Most guys will wait, and some won't. Just remember that the ones who don't wait are probably not interested in a relationship anyway. You shouldn't have to modify your own actions from the norm when trying to attract a guy. The person you're going to date should be on the same level as you from the beginning in terms of the timing of sexual activity. As long as you're not planning to wait forever to have sex with him, you should be okay.
Anonymously ask Noah your own hookup/dating/sex/relationship question below and you may find your answer in next week's column.
Confused Male & Looking for a Boyfriend
My girlfriend is a virgin because she wants to wait to find the right guy so she doesn't get hurt. We've been dating for a while now and she told me she's ready. I wanted to make it special for her, but when we talked about it, she said that she just wants to "get it over with." I don't know if I should just do it with her then, or not listen to her and still try to make it special. I'm just afraid she'll get hurt. Any advice?
--Confused Male, Emerson College
Dear Confused Male,
Although your girlfriend is ready to have sex with you, she’s still extremely nervous about it. Remember: she’s never done this before. What if she sucks at it? What if you plan the huge romantic date, light the candles, start having sex with her…and she tells you to stop because it hurts too much?
These are the kinds of questions that are going through her head. This is new for her, and she has no idea how it’ll go. If you build it up for her, it may make her so anxious that she won’t be able to enjoy it.
You’re concerned, however, that randomly taking her virginity could hurt her too. And you’re right. So what do you do?
You keep going about things like normal. Take her on dates and engage in the normal amount of sexual activity you’re both used to. If she wants to have sex, she’ll tell you while you’re already hooking up. The whole idea of talking about it beforehand is good, to make sure you don’t do anything against her will…but if she says she’s ready, don’t keep talking about it.
Put the sex conversation in the back of your head, and continue your relationship as normal. When you’re “in the moment,” and she seems like she really wants to have sex, you’ll know you have the green light to proceed. You’ll still have to get consent in the moment, but you won’t have to discuss the fact that she’s ready to lose her virginity any more.
There’s a reason why intellectual conversations about virginity don’t mesh well with hot sex. Don’t try to combine them…it won’t work. Sometimes, the special moments are the spontaneous ones. Approach the idea of taking her virginity from that mindset, and hopefully she’ll be singing like Madonna when you’re done.
I really want a boyfriend but guys seem to only want to hook up at frat parties and then that's it. What can I do to actually get a guy to go on dates and be serious?
--Looking for a Boyfriend
Dear Looking for a Boyfriend,
I’ve found that the type of people who search for boyfriends are usually the ones who have the most trouble finding them. You can’t shop for a boyfriend—most of us don’t decide when and where we’re going to find our partners.
You also can’t expect to find a boyfriend at a frat party. It’s one thing for a frat guy to ask you to his formal…but it’s quite another to find a guy at a frat party and expect him to be "the one you've been waiting for". While I'm not saying there are no frat guys out there looking for committed relationships, I am saing that they have a reputation for a reason. A lot of them just aren't ready to give up the single life until they're a little older.
It’s true that some of these random hookups end up forming relationships, but it’s not typical for both people to engage in the hookup in an effort to start a relationship. If you are searching for a boyfriend this way, each hookup that doesn’t lead to a relationship will feel like a failure to you.
If you’re insistent on continuing your “search” for a boyfriend, you can start looking for one outside of parties and bars. Maybe you’ll meet him through a mutual friend, or maybe he’ll be interested in the same club as you. It doesn’t matter where you look—as long as you’re not searching for “the one” in a setting that almost always leads to hookups.
But what you should really do is to stop looking. Go to your frat parties, drink with your friends and hook up with whomever you find attractive. Take that expectation and pressure you’re putting on yourself out of the equation. Once it’s gone, you may find that guys are attracted to your relaxed attitude.
Think of it this way: the boyfriend you will have in the future is out there, living life and having fun. Once you run into each other, you’ll start dating. The fact that you’re searching for him won’t speed up the process—in fact, it could deter him.
Have fun in college, and don’t worry: you’ll find a boyfriend…just give it a lot less thought and a little more time.
Anonymously ask Noah your own hookup/dating/sex/relationship question below and you may find your answer in next week's column.
Photo taken from ayushveda.com and bustedhalo.com
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