We’ve all been there – big lecture class, 300 other students checking off their gen ed requirements. The professor is rambling away about who knows what at one of two decibel levels (pin-drop silent or volcanic eruption loud). On a lucky day, you get rewarded with slightly creepy personal stories – maybe even with some pictures! Hey man, we just want to take our notes and have enough time to grab a coffee before our next class. And have we ever really had a chance to let them know these things? No, not really – so that’s why we’ve compiled a list of the top 10 things we imagine ourselves saying to our professors. (Author’s note: Do not try this at home. You may risk personal embarrassment, class failure, expulsion, public humiliation, flogging, etc.)
1. 1. "What’s with all of the Oxford Dictionary terms? Simplify that s#!t!”
We’re in college. We live for the simple things. We also know what a “synonym” is. We like synonyms. Synonyms are nice. Nice is also good.
2. “Please don't start our exam by saying ‘There should be no questions. If you have a question, you don't know the material.’”
-Christina Mucciarone, Masters in Medical Science (University of South Florida)
Just because you may be the master of Quantum Mechanics or Thermonuclear Chemistry doesn’t mean I am. You don’t know my study habits. You don’t know that I spent 48 straight hours in the library reading every footnote just to prepare for your exam. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.
3. 3. "Is it really necessary to speak at a voice level equivalent of tiny kittens sleeping?”
How in the world are we supposed to learn that calculus formula if we can’t even hear you say whether that’s a 1 or a 7 that you just wrote? And on that note, what’s with the chicken scratch? I get it, you’re a doctor, but we’re here to learn how to be a doctor. We’re not at that handwriting level yet – we’ve barely passed “almost illegible.” But on the other hand…
4. 4. "Is it really necessary to speak at a level of wolves fighting dragons fighting sea monsters?”
Hey man, there’s no need to yell. It’s 8am. You’re talking about Freud’s dream psychology. Let’s keep it calm. Namaste.
5. There is no rational reason why you should assign a paper, an exam, a quiz, a project, and a family history report all due on the same day.”
Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but it always seems like that last week before finals is when everything falls onto our laps. You couldn’t have spaced this out just a bit? Maybe like, at least a day apart? No? Okay, cool. I’ll be crying in the library if you need me.
6. "If you want us to remember something important, please, always make sure it’s in song.”
After all, we will likely remember it better if you make it musical and weird. Shares Olivia Swenson, social science education major from Florida State University: “My Dinosaurs and Earth's Natural Disasters teacher started singing to our class about how the world is always changing during our class time! And he always ended the class with ‘Be careful out there due to mother nature and dead dinosaurs!’ …we always begged him to sing and dance for us.”
7. 7. "What’s with the politics?! This is a basket-weaving class…”
Seriously, it’s as if every class has to have SOME sort of political conversation. Yes, it’s a huge part of our country, but this is an elective class. We meet once a week. Why can’t we just have a good time sitting here, you know, weaving these baskets without having to hear about your own hinted at but vaguely shrouded beliefs?
8. 8. "We don't need pop culture examples in order to understand you."
Because you don’t have to try and change the lyrics to “Thrift Shop” to match your class subject. It’s okay. You can leave that to the high school teachers. Props for trying, but let’s just continue with the lecture.
9. "If you’re going to make a Power Point to present in class, make sure it makes sense.”
Because it’s not cool if you are confused by what should be helpful. A picture of pottery when we weren’t talking about art that day? I mean, I’m all about learning African tribal culture, but…can we stick to one topic at a time?
10. “Is there a reason why you always belittle our major? Say that there are no jobs left? Are you just trying to be a Debbie Downer or…?”
We get it. The job market is tough. It’s tough for just about everyone – but some of us are actually in this major because we like it. And we’d like to keep it that way.