Luckily, 2013 has arrived without any catastrophes of the Mayan variety, and I think mankind should take this opportunity to change a few things. Last year was filled with many trends and fads, some phenomenal and others...less so. Although I know this is hard, it is time to say goodbye to (at least) 10 of such flavors of 2012. They are:
1. Pointless Hashtagging
On Twitter, a hashtag files your tweet with others who use the same tag. This is useful and can generate a larger readership. Much of the world does not seem to know that in a text message or in actual human-to-human conversation, these digital functions do not exist. Hashtagging became a comedic style of sorts in 2012, and it worked for a while. But it has run its course. Time to stop hashtagging your Facebook statuses, people. #Please?
2. Shortening Words That Aren’t Long
I’m not sure when abbreviations like “amaze” graduated from sattire to complete seriousness, but it would be tots fab if everyone would just stop. The word amazing only has three syllables. You can obvi handle pronouncing the –ing.
3. Instagram Selfies
Instagram took off in 2012, and so ensued a brief grace period where selfies taken in complete seriousness were acceptable, even likeable! However, that period is officially over. Let the days of rounded-corner, sepia photos of your pouting face taken with the front camera of your iPhone be behind you.
4. Wedge Sneakers
These Isabel Marant atrocities started at $660 a pair and have since dropped to the low, low price of $396. Thank god! Who could resist such a bargain…for suede sneakers…with a hidden 3” wedge heel? This fashion trend is simply baffling and will live forever in infamy alongside crocs, stirrup pants and Juicy tracksuits.
5. Amateur Food Photography
It’s really great that you made a decent looking quiche this morning, and I am so glad to know that you are eating sushi, but I hate to tell you that your food pictures aren’t exactly as appetizing as the Food Network’s. In fact, they are often the opposite. Buzzfeed accurately categorizes these pictures as food mourn, a more appropriate name for the food-porn-failure that occured when you snapped that washed out picture of mashed potatoes. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, but it’s a new year, so let’s make a pact: no more food pictures. Especially gross ones.
6. American Idol
Okay, American Idol is not from 2012 (or even from this decade…) but when Randy Jackson is all you have left of a good thing, it is time to say goodbye. Do millions of Americans really still care? Season 457 of Idol (it’s actually season 12, but close enough) has just bugun, and while I am sure that Nicki Minaj and Ryan Seacrest will hit it off quite nicely, I still stand resolutely by the statement: it’s got to go. Sorry, Randy.
7. What Should We Call Me and Related Knockoffs
I’ll admit, I have posted more than one (or 20) of these gifs on my roommate’s wall, but now that there are about a million tumblr pages full to the brim with the same college-themed, Kristin Wiig and The Office gifs, this trend has become stale. Your matching white website themes are not fooling anyone, gif makers. You are no longer original and your two-second videos on constant replay just aren’t cutting it anymore.
8. Wedding Boards
Unless he put a ring on it and the save the date cards are in the mail, please spare us the Vera Wang dresses, pastel floral arrangements and outrageous Tiffany engagement rings on your Pinterest profile. It’s creepy in the same way as gluing Bradley Cooper’s head next to yours on a bride and groom magazine photo would be, and that’s very creepy for a grown adult.
9. Denim on Denim
I’m sorry, did we learn nothing from the 90s? Denim on denim is never okay, even when you bleach and stud it within an inch of its cottony blue life. Chambray shirts are welcome to stay forever, I have upwards of four in my closet, but when you pair them with jeans and a denim vest, you look like an unfortunate wild West cowboy, not a chic trendsetter. We pray that 2013 will bring a firm one-denim-piece-per-outfit rule.
We get it. We all only live once. That’s the basic premise of mortality. Please stop saying it, posting it online, wearing it on t-shirts, and using it as an excuse to do flat out stupid things. Additionally, it is important to note that YOLO is not a verb. You cannot “YOLO so hard” on Saturday night that you don’t remember anything, bro. YOLO is neither a response nor a rationale. YOLO is an acronym and I think I could live without hearing it ever again. YOLO has been the mantra of binge-drinkers and thrill-seekers for long enough. YOLO, this is the end of your life, and I sincerely hope that you too only live once.