With almost 1 billion active users, Facebook is legendary for the instantaneous connection it brings to people all over the world. Facebook gives a voice to everyone: the quiet girl in biology class constantly doodling on her notebook, the cute Starbucks barista who mysteriously winked at you last week, that angsty boy on the subway who refuses to turn the volume on his iPod down. Chances are, you’ve used Facebook to reconnect with those from your past and to establish a connection with those you hope will become a part of your future. If used correctly, Facebook is like a golden key to the social world; if used incorrectly, it’s certainly the trash compactor that ravages your key and spits it out in a million pieces.
As the number of Facebook users grows, it seems that more and more Facebook fouls have become painfully apparent. We all fall victim to a Facebook faux pas pass every now and then, but if you find yourself violating any of the following on a regular basis, you may want to get your act together before your friend count bottoms out.
1. Breaking and entering
In real life, a breakup signals the prompt return of the ex’s house key; the same courtesy should be expected of virtual life and the passwords involved. Chances are, you won’t like the dirty laundry you find in their house anyway.
Cryptically bashing others via social networking is by far the most cowardly form of confrontation. The only way to clear this up is in true thug terms: Yo, if you got don’t got nothin’ good to say, you betta not be sayin’ nuttin’ at all!
We understand you think your three-year-old son is cute, but honestly, I have now seen more images of little Billy on the training potty than of my own three cousins combined.
4. Profile hi-jacking
It’s always a pleasure realizing that for the past week and a half, your Facebook has been broadcasting “I smear my poop on the walls!” Some corporation must be making bank selling our passwords to a factory of immature 12-year-old children (oh wait, you say your 22-year-old colleague did that?).
There’s a reason I don’t Google the term “disgusting skin diseases,” so please do us all a favor and save the documentation of your latest scabies outbreak for WebMD’s users to marvel over.
6. Oversharing political/religious beliefs
Start a street rebellion, burn Chick-fil-A down, go Gandhi and starve yourself, live in a church pew. The point is, there are plenty of ways to make a statement, but forcing your ideas upon apathetic Internet companions is not one of them.
We get it. You <3333 Chris since 4.15.10, and quite frankly, we hope your account self-destructs on that date this year. That way you’ll have to start telling Chris how much you love him rather than declaring it to your 400 Facebook friends.
If this were a Facebook crime, we’d all be in jail, but if you have an entire album of your head tilted in varying degrees, Mr. Zuckerberg needs to personally cut you off. Unless you’re Andy Warhol, lay off the self-portrait sessions.
9. Catty Comparison
Purposefully uploading hideous pictures of your friends in an attempt to feel better about yourself is a total bitch move. If you want to feel attractive, type the term “meth head” into an image search – that should do just fine.
Unless you’re a sorority girl and have mastered the, hand-to-hip, I’m-not-drunk-just-super-happy-pose, black-out photos are best left eating up the memory on your iPhone. Future employers will most likely not enjoy running across your tribute album to Tanqueray (and if they do, you may want to reconsider your application).